During my first meeting with swamiji when I was last in the waiting list, sitting outside in the hall I just felt like bursting into tears. I was immediately overwhelmed but embarrassed at this feeling. I kept saying in my mind repeatedly,” god please I don’t wanna cry in front of so many people, please help me , please get my meeting done sooner, please do something” Within minutes my name was called before all the others and I told swamiji it was not my turn yet he just said, “I’ll see them later”. Now I know what I was in the presence of and that any desire/wish expressed around swamiji is heard my jaganmata but back then I just brushed it aside as a pleasant coincidence. I told him my predicament and he instead of answering me told me some things which I didn’t wanna reveal but were true. He gave me some advice which I didn’t follow and suffered later due to that. I was planning on following it but my fear got the better of me.
That was 3 years ago and since then every time there is any sort of heartache I have my private meetings from the comfort of my home because I know beyond a doubt that he hears every word that I tell him. He may not fulfill all my desires but he only and only wishes well for me and the sense of comfort that comes from it is indescribable. To children who come from rough backgrounds where there is constant violence and threats to life such as mine it cannot be described on words what difference swami ji’s presence can make. Just knowing there is someone out there who wants nothing but your wellbeing and who will NEVER leave you is beyond description. I don’t think I fully deserve it but since I have it in my life I don’t ever want to loose it.
In the worst of days He visits in my dreams as well which leaves me feeling at more peace than a deep sleep. Following the some changes I have seen in myself after swamiji graced it with his presence. There aren’t many and I am pretty messed up even now but I’m happy to see there something is happening:
- Sometimes I am able to just relax and let my anxiety episodes pass(trust me its a huge improvement).
- I have been able to somewhat reduce the number of lies I tell in life.
- I have realized why my time spent of meditation was not giving desired results.
- I do see my own repetitive patterns which give grief to people around me. For example when I’m scolded I just go dead silent but that silence has caused my family to go nuts at times because they think I do it on purpose. To me its just a freeze response that I’m stuck in and trying to get out of.
I know I have plenty of flaws but somewhere I am at peace because if he is with me I’ll turn out to be just fine.
Thank you swami ji please don’t leave me ever.
Jai Shri Hari.