I have had a really wonderful childhood filled with love, friends, and a supportive family. Mostly nothing out of the ordinary until my 1st  year of grad studies when I suddenly found myself protesting an arranged marriage while my friends were busy pursuing higher education. In the span of seven days, the first meeting, engagement and wedding all happened in a zombie-like state. 

Life thereafter was all about responsibilities, devising coping mechanisms and defending my upbringing, mental state and character. I will leave it at that in this post. I realize I have always been passive and let others choose for me. And boy, am I a late bloomer. I started a career path and being financially independent when my oldest was starting her undergrad and while my batch mates were peaking in their professional careers. As I embark on this journey of self-discovery, making peace and amends with the coulda shoulda woulda in my life, I am coming to the realization that I have no sense of who I really am. If anything, I have such a warped sense of my capabilities. They are either overly exaggerated or totally understated.

Allow me to briefly list out the exaggerated and the understated aspects so you can gauge for yourself how distorted my perception of self is:

Exaggeration: I am the kindest, most loving, selfless, non-judgmental,  smartest, fair, honest, reasonable, most disciplined, always misunderstood, wronged person who is so deeply spiritual and hence so deserving of all things good and wonderful. 

Understated: I have never hurt, lied, cheated, been jealous, made unreasonable demands, indulged in gossip, slandered, judged, been selfish.

You get the idea. And time again, life has shown me how I have been everything I claim not to be. And how I have conveniently morphed and camouflaged my personality to shield myself from hurt and pain- that there is nothing special, or extraordinary about me. I have had not one original thought, idea or emotion to gloat about.

In fact, I am ordinary, extra-extraordinary in all aspects of life and it is the magnanimity of the creator to allow me this experience.