I also have habit of overthinking about almost every incident occuring around me. Even while taking very modest decisions,I have to overthink alot, I have to suffer from a big battle of thoughts inside myself,sometimes I feel like there is debate going on between my heart and my mind.
But this all went on heights last year in 2020….when due to covid many were losing their loved ones.
Last year during first wave of covid 19,one of my classmate got succumbed to covid. He was not my best friend but a good friend ,we used to talk rarely but whenever we did,we enjoyed it.
When I heard that he died,it was so heartbreaking. When I knew that he was the only son of their parents with one elder sister,I felt even worse for their parents,for his sister,I started thinking how they will survive,it would be so tough…..but after few days,the real trouble begun when I started comparing.
I started worrying way too much about my family- my mother,brother,father. Like usual ,I started overthinking it too….variety of negative thoughts started revolving in my mind. I found some of them offensive, some heart-wrenching,some even catastrophic….those thoughts offended me so much that I tried to vanquish them with positive thoughts. I was trying to triumph over my overthinking by overanalyzing.
Few days later, while entangling myself even deeper into this web,I began to think that my bad thoughts can be harmful for my family. During those times, whenever I used to present myself before God’s idol , folding my hands to memorize his name,my thoughts were disturbing me even more or I can say that my fear was allowing or even inviting them to trouble me, then my fear got even more deeper thinking that if I would think such things before god, these thoughts could become true then I let myself keep trying to replace my thoughts with positive ones…..and in all this process I forgot to memorize shiv Ji’s face.Even I tried to tell bhagwan ji about my suffering,my overthinking but i got no instant relief because we became so impateint at this era of allopathy and technology,we want everything instant,we don’t want to wait…..me, being victim of same mentality, thought that God is not helping me…maybe because lack of devotion.
Then….in few days…..My parents started noticing changes in my behavior,they caught me several times ‘lost in my own thoughts’, they started to enquire about my worries….I also shared it with them…… Then they asked me to avoid such thoughts, they tried to convince me that my thoughts are not going to harm anyone, they told me ‘thoughts are like armless soldiers they can terrorize you but cannot harm so you don’t have to worry just ignore them,they asked me to keep myself busy so these thoughts can be avoided’ but I wasn’t able to overcome it because of the ‘fear of loss’.
Then after some days,I shared it with one of my cousin who was able to relate to all my thoughts exactly because he also suffered from such negativity in past year…..then he asked me to listen to ‘mahisasur mardini stotra’ and I followed. When I heard it first time, I cried alot looking at photo of jagat janani, I just cried my inside out….and it was a great relief like everything is ok but the next day again started the same thing but I kept listening to it and tried ignoring my thoughts with help of few lines my father told me which are as follows….
“everything is predecided” or it is said as “होइंही जो सो राम रची राखा”
Then…..gradually it(negativity) goes on decreasing.
But even now I have not completely overcame it because I am not truthfully dedicated myself towards jagat janani,I used to chant mahisasur mardini stotra but not with needed devotion that’s why I have got partial relief and l am not completely free of my negativity and habit of overthinking but got a great relief than before….now I don’t let my thoughts to subdue me…..but I even can not say that they are under my control .
But I will keep trying to chant,to devote myself to jagat janani,to shiv ji and overcome it completely, one day definitely.
Jai bum bhole🙏🏻