Namaste all Divine Souls,
I along with my family are grateful to all the divine souls who have come forward to my rescue. I deeply convey my gratitude for your concerns, your Prayers, your suggestions etc.
In continuation to my previous post, I am opening up more in this post. My particular fear is a feeling of uncertainty. Even if I am performing my work (though in a reduced potential), for last three months, some kind of fear is destabilizing me. Fear of not able to be at par with my colleagues, though they are very supportive. Now I am feeling inferior to them as they are aptly discharging their duties whereas I am being plagued by negative thoughts which in turn is slowing down my mind & I am loosing focus.
When I am getting up in the morning, at the break of dawn, the fear, uncertainty & anxiety is crippling me. My body trembles, I go into a state of deep anxiety and fear. My voice shakes. My self confidence goes down suddenly into a pit. The feeling which comes to my mind is I am incapable of doing my assigned work. I struggle with me to come to office. The water I drink after waking up, I vomit them in form of pitta. My soul starts stirring & mind chatters unstable words of negativity pulling me down.
I am not able to concentrate & brake this cycle since past several months. As I am taking the anti depressant, I am feeling drowsy. Currently my medication includes Mirtaj 30, Eslopam 20, aplaz 2 mg, Pregascent 75. These many medicines along with Juviana capsule (vitamin supplement).
I always have the fear of failure & not able to do my work properly since my childhood. Sometimes this remains under control, but at times things suddenly amplify & the demon tears me into pieces. As we know, in fear & anxiety, we cannot think clearly. I am having this problem & at times the back side of my brain hurts during this process. If I force myself to work my mind then starts rebelling, I am doing something & soon I feel tired.
Since last 5 years, I am continuously on escitalopram & aplaz. My doctor told me that I suffer from Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD). So he kept me on this medication. But this time, looking at me & my shaky voice, self confidence, he told that I am slipped into depression. He wrote all the additional medications. My weight has not very much fluctuated since last 3 months, but I feel less energetic. As the day progresses, my instability eases slightly. But due to the stress & excess pitta, my throat sometimes chocks. I cannot talk with the normal voice. I feel difficulty in conversation.
My fear goes to the extent that I feel frightened even to look at the work I am doing. My willpower shakes & I get reduced to a afraid child seeing me in my school days who has not done his homework.
This timid & fearful feeling is very un-nerving & I feel difficulty in communicating with my co-workers. When the phone rings also I get frightened to lift & talk. I used to remain very joyful & happy at office with all my co-workers. They are now feeling suddenly what happened to me. Where is my sense of humor & why I am remaining so silent.
I am really tired of these feelings. Oh Swamiji, oh divine souls (great devotees of Swamiji), oh Universe, please listen to the inner cry of this soul in trouble. Please handhold me out of this phase & bestow me with courage to face my inner fear as well as the challenges thrown on me by the external world. I want to become strong from my inner core…