The doors are shut.
They wont let you in.
Like a headless body
you walk in the dark,
Like a gush of grey smoke you fill
the congested rooms of isolation:
Rooms that are crowded
with stinking memories
And in one of those
you sit alone:
with those stinking memories
crowding like Jews
in the gas chambers-
suffocating your identity.
All you ever wanted is a bit of love,
Earth under the feet and a bit of sky above.
For a bit of warmth and a bit of trust you fanatically ran.
But all you have ever been to them
was a headless body in the dark- An Invisible Man.
In this isolated chamber, I say,
let us silently fade away.
With those dead emotions that
at times, like zombies rise,
and you pretend to be scared,
close those swollen eyes.
For that little fear is must,
else there is no difference
between a dead and a numb man.
Take hold of your pain,
that is the only one
which had and will stay.
Let a deep and gentle sigh,
close the swollen eyes
And silently Fade Away…
Moving on after being loved to the core is tougher than moving on from a love that you never had.
At first, I was adamant to share such a dark poem born out of a recent event in life. But then, somebody told me that the more I keep my pain to myself, the more it will mess up my inner world, which I can never afford because inside my heart is the altar of my holiest of holy, Swamiji. I dare not mess my inner most space up ever. And writing was the only way I know to heal myself. Hence the poem. Many of my family here might be going to similar periods in life. May this poem act as a catalyst for the purgation of their pain.
The biggest difference between a child and a grown up is the amount of things that can be kept inside. A child is crystal clear. If it is happy, it will dance around the entire home. If it is sad, it will cry at the peak of its voice till Gods come down. There is nothing inside it. Its actions are well- aligned with its emotions.
As we grow up, we learn to hide. We have myriad masks, one for each situation. We have different versions for every other person. And we have a different version of ourselves just for us…which comes out when we are alone. I feel Multiple Personality Disorder isn’t limited to Vidya Balan’s character in Bhool Bhulaiya alone. We all have our own indigenous Manjulika(s) inside us. And we keep switching between those the entire day. It is this non-synchronicity of emotion and action, that defines us as an adult. As we grow up, our life becomes a big grand masquerade party.
I am not different either. For the past 2-3 days, I was going through hell emotionally but none of my people came to know about its intensity (except Swamiji ofcourse! I am a cry-baby when it comes to Him. And my crying is just basically sharing the pain and not complaining.) I wore a happy mask and went about my days, while being killed gradually inside.
But somewhere inside me, I know from experience, as for the most things in life, this too shall pass. How? Grace and Time can heal absolutely anything in this entire universe. If we give the situation and ourselves lots of time and trust the Cosmic Intelligence, healing is bound to happen.
Universe never forgets us. Had it forgotten us even for a second, we would literally stop breathing. Every single organ is functioning properly and with an efficiency that would put even the most advance machines to shame- this is the very sign that the Universe has not forgotten us.
The process of healing can be a painful one. It might seem really long. For when we are happy, time flies. When we are sad or hurt, time drags itself. But if we trust the Cosmic Intelligence, healing is assured.
If you, too, are struggling with Pain like me, I suggest you to take a very good care of yourself. You deserve the love that you give freely to others. And this article by Swamiji will definitely come as a tight hug for you. It came to me as a lovely remainder that I am not alone. None of us are. Swamiji is and will always be there. And today’s Zoom Meeting was in line with that realization.
In this life of absolute impermanence, only the Love of Divine remains permanent. We can always count on Swamiji and Mother Divine to be our Pole Star in life. Everyone else will abandon us either today or some other day except His/Her love. There is indeed someone for whom we will always be acceptable with all our flaws and strengths and He/She will never judge us. Until we have Him/Her whom we can call “Our Home”, we will together come out of all the Pain and Suffering, wiser, kinder and more humble.
May the Grace of Swamiji and Mother Divine be with us through all our challenges and may be develop equanimity in all situation alike.
Love and light, family.