I have had my shares of heartbreaking incidents in life and not just in the romantic sense of the term. What is truly remarkable about human mind is that the amount of time spent of the actually events which end up causing a permanent void in our lives is sometimes disproportionately small compared to the amount we spend in thinking about all the coulda woulda shoulda about the events. I am probably high up in the ladder of people who are capable of making themselves miserable by thinking(read overthinking) about the past.
I have attended n number of courses by swami ji , read all his books with pearls of wisdom and yet struggle to implement any of it when it comes to forgetting and letting go of the past. Its said that detachment is a divine emotion and can be cultivated by anyone. I read this is anyone but me. Despite so many attempts I still feel hurt at other’s remarks and miss people badly for days even months on end if I don’t want them to leave.
After listening to one of the talks by Swamiji where he said “No matter where you are and what you do , remember that there is one place on this planet Badrika Ashram where there is one person Om swami who just wants your wellbeing, I don’t want anything from you at all apart from your own wellbeing” I decided to try something new. That talk took my breadth away for a moment as I reflected how tirelessly he works day in day out without expecting anything from any of us. These days I try to flip this story by instead of wishing for people to stay(if they want to leave) I just try to wish them the best internally. They don’t need to even know that I’m doing it, its an internal process. More than half the time I still fail and even when I do it somewhere mind has childish hope that “I’m doing something nice for them so maybe god will bring them back to me after all”. But that doesn’t deter me from trying. We don’t know what karma is being cleansed when someone gives us the gifts of hurt knowingly or unknowingly. Instead of keeping the desire brewing and creating more bondage perhaps once in a while I’ll truly manage to set some of it free and let go.