Phoenix 1 

Start of Covid and Depression

March 2020 has started. Covid was increasing its pace in India. My depression was engulfing me at the same rate. But it has not started at once. It was a very gradual process. May be years in my subconscious mind or maybe lifetimes.Because I could feel the layers of negativities in abundance over myself. Yes, the layers of self-doubt, low self-esteem and nonacceptance from everyone around. But the only thing which I appreciated about me was that I tried my best to emerge out of the deepest fall. I wanted to work with confidence, but always fears and my physical pains hindered me. I wanted to smile and laugh but I failed. Many times I thought of quitting my job also. But I could not, as I needed financial security.

Reason for my storytelling 

Now the question is why I’m telling you my story of failure and incompetence. How are you benefitted from reading a depressive story? Jai Sri Hari to all 🙏. 

If by Sri Hari Grace, I’m able to write and so it may also encourage a few of you.

Although I have no attention to bore you with my cry-baby tunes, few things are important to know. Bina marz Jane dawa Kasie kaam karegi? So l will comprehend…..

Background

I’m practising a Buddhist Philosophy for ten years which is based on self-transformation, empathy, compassion and courage. And wisdom for this comes by chanting, faith, practice and study. I was evolving on the path when I had a chance to meet Swamiji in Ashram. Only then I realised there is something which is not in my control. I need complete surrender with faith. I tried to reform myself by Vedic practises too. I wanted to improve myself. As a wife, as a mother, as a daughter, as a daughter-in-law and as a worker at the workplace. Due to my karmic tendencies, I was miserable in every field. Since my childhood, fears, phobias and doubts were my constant companions. Due to all this, I had a poor sleeping pattern and developed chronic ailments like hyperplasia and sciatica pain. In February 2020, I took leave for about three months with a motive to spend quality time with my son and also to look after my old father-in-law suffering from dementia and many other health issues. I tried my best to arrange a helper and a better doctor for him. I had many internal inhibitions for my in-laws. I prayed to rise above those and exerted myself to be friendly with them.

My Struggle 

To make my father-in-law a little interactive, I made him chant OM NAMO SHIVAY, write Bhagwan names, solve sums, tables etc. All this was done to make him occupied so that his brain didn’t become sluggish. My efforts were not being welcomed by anyone. Non-acceptance from everyone makes you desolate. Time didn’t wait for anyone or any event. My physical pains increased, I wasn’t able to sit or lie down without pain. Slowly Covid started to increase its pace. And with the same pace, my depression was eating me like anything.

 Lockdown has been imposed and with it, my phobias, fears and incapabilities were locked within me. The slightest house chore seemed like a burden. Covidphobia distracted me that much that lost all my confidence, self-esteem, appetite and sleep. My pains were aggravated and my social interactions although via electronic mode were minimal. No one was happy with me. All the time, I was crying, feeling low and directionless. The thought of joining back in my office was horrifying. As it seemed to me that I don’t know any work. How I would be able to work with the required precision, awareness and confidence? My physical condition was also deteriorating day by day. The date of joining was coming closer. I joined the office. But was clueless how without proper sleep, poor nutrition, compromised physical and mental state, I would perform well. After a long leave, everyone was expecting me to come back.

Insight

What I understood about depression;

  •  First  It is like a Trap-net. The more you try to come out more you are dragged in.
  • Second There is not exactly one cause but many overlapping reasons for this hellish condition. 
  • Third   Due to some personal ethics, one may hesitate to express oneself.
  • Fourth   Now, if it has seized you, No problem;

 Confront, challenge it head-on and win over it. Emerge smiling, giggling, squeeze it away from you. Live, laugh and give.

If I can be victorious, so you can be. My struggle to defeat depression is my story. But it is for sure that you have to stand for yourself. God helps those who help themselves. Precious days of your life are wasted confronting it. It is OK. No worries, you can do it. And believe me, After this horrible nightmare, life seems so beautiful. Just as in Bollywood movies……flowers are blooming and melodious songs are playing in the background.

Emergence 

It took me about ten months to come out of it. The biggest challenge was me only because I was considering myself responsible for my situation. As I was following Buddhist philosophy and Swamiji’s teachings, there was a pang of guilt in my mind that I haven’t applied them in a dire situation. I tried chanting and meditation but nothing gave immediate relief. In helplessness, I prayed to Sri Hari and cried for Swamiji to help me out. Talked to my Buddhist leaders for guidance. At last, God sent my survivor in the form of a Buddhist friend and Councillor. She counselled me and also advised medication. I was also taking medicines for my chronic sciatica pain and other alternative modes of pain-relieving treatment. Job responsibilities, work pressure at home and unseen expectations from everyone all-around sometimes became so overwhelming. Anyhow, I was not ready to give up. I even denied light job responsibilities at the workplace because I have to prove that I’m not a loser.

Undoubtedly, I always thought that neither my colleagues nor my family members should be disturbed by me. In this struggle, I also found that only a few will understand your problem, you can’t convey and convince everyone. Most people are interested in happy talks. Medication, regular counselling sessions, disciplined affirmations, gardening and breathing exercises helped me a lot. My conversation with Sri Hari, Swami Ji and my Buddhist philosophy made me believe in myself. I prayed with faith and surrender. Never compromised my duties. And slowly but surely I started improving. I challenged myself to start an early morning routine of chanting and meditation. It was really difficult to get up at five in pain. I  always felt numb due to various medicines taken on the previous night. According to my ability, I strived to perform various Sadhnas. There was something that was making me move on. Yes, it was His Grace. Slowly, my medication was reduced and finally stopped after eight months. Physically, I’m feeling better. Depression was my deadlock. I have overcome my situation with Sri Hari Grace. If somehow you are struck, accept the challenge; You can do it; Come out of it and rise. Rise like a Phoenix…

 

 

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Suman Verma

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