Unlike the other posts I write, this is not about some spiritual insight or experience. It is about a part of my past, can be a little unpleasant. So you can skip it if you want.

I don’t know what makes me type this after 8:00 pm. I mean I generally don’t write, study or do any much words related work at night. 

As a child, I loved books. My parents say that I learnt reading at a young age and could read before being admitted to school. I remember that I started reading story part in newspaper around age of 7-8. Later, I got a nick name too – “kitabi kida” (bookish worm) 😄. When I was in 4th std, I started visiting school library in free periods. Teachers knew me so I was one of the few or as far as I remember the only student of lower class then who was allowed to choose a book of my choice. There was a thirst which I was trying to quench. Later as I grew up I would try reading books of later classes because the books of course would feel piece of cake.

Then came a time when I found my interest in spirituality. So in 9th class, as I got little access to internet, I started downloading and reading ebooks related to yoga and all, of course pirated. Then one day one of my friends told me about a Russian site which had electronic versions of books which are not available on other sites. That was a huge leap. I acquired and read many ebooks from there, many. Along with that I also started trying to practice what I learnt. Those books opened me up.

Now fast forward to year 2021. Last year, around May or June I took a vow of never downloading any pirated ebook in my life ever again. Then after a few months, I deleted all the pirated ebooks I had. There were some 50-70.

Reading pirated ebooks was not good, legal, pure act. But I am at ease with my past now. It was not that easy. I had to pass through moments of intense guilt, continuous sobbing and weeping. Rising above that guilt and coming to terms with myself was not easy.

At that moment, I had intense desire to evolve, to grow, so I found a way. Had I asked my parents, I would not have been able to evolve. Which parents will allow reading books named- “Vigyan Bhairav Tantra”, or “Tanrik Breathing Practices …”, “Kundalini Tantra”, etc. Had I not read those literature that time, I would not have begun my Spiritual journey, I would not have learned from experiences all that I have learnt, I would not have evolved mentally, emotionally and spiritually the way I have. I would still have been under the influence of destructive and negative tendencies. I would not have evolved to such a point that I myself felt intense pain and sorrow on my act of reading pirated ebooks.

It may sound a little dark, but it is a part of my past. We can’t change our past but we can learn from it. We can at least shape our present moment in such a way that even the dark past becomes a beautiful part of the grand movie. Because, after all, life is just like a movie, isn’t it? I can’t undo reading pirated ebooks, but if I have evolved in a positive way, then I feel it was worth it. 

I am not trying to justify anything. I am not saying that it was completely right or completely wrong. It’s just a part of my past, a part of big picture. And I am at ease with it. Because I have learnt that we can’t always remain stuck in our past. If we do so, we will never be able to rise, evolve and grow. We can’t let our past affect our present. It can be hard sometimes, but is necessary so that we can become better.

This was a part of my journey, my truth. I really don’t know why I write this today and that too in night. Probably a let go. Anyways, it doesn’t really matter.