It was raining outside since morning. The sky was grey. Like my mood. Everything and everyone seemed gloomy except the plants and trees. They seemed very happy. They were soaking in every drop of rain and quenching their thirst afterall. The mixed sound of birds chirping, rain drops falling on the ground, gentle wind blowing through the leaves. It all sounded like music to my ears.

          I usually love rain. It makes everything look so beautiful and clear. As if the earth has just stepped out of shower looking fresh and glowing. But not today. Today I was in a gloomy mood. Or rather in a confused state. I was feeling like this since morning. Here I was holding a cup of coffee and lost in my own thoughts. There were these series of questions that were popping in my head. Why am I doing what I am doing. What is the purpose of all these? Am I making any progression? I am not even being sincere in what I am doing. It’s been 2 years since I started meditating but till now I haven’t even developed the habit of doing it everyday. It’s not that I don’t like meditating. I love the time I spend meditating. That’s the only time when my mind is not wondering what’s next. My mind is not searching for something to stay busy. The only time where I am actually being in the present moment. But I still haven’t got control over my monkey mind. I keep spending time in things those are meaning less and don’t hold any value for me. But still somehow I choose to waste my time in such useless things. And after meditating for this long also I haven’t figured out what’s my goal, why I am meditating. I know the ultimate goal is self-realization and god realzation but it will be really bookish if I tell this to myself. 

        Two years ago when I started meditating, I didn’t start with any spiritual purpose. It was more of a selfish reason. I had tried everything to get control on my emotions and to take responsibility of my actions without any visible results. During that time my younger sister had started meditating and my mother used to say she was a completely changed and wiser person now. So I thought may be I should also give it a try. 

        My main aim was to get control on my anger, emotions and my vulnerability. And I will be lying if I say that I didn’t get any visual change in my personality. I have gained control on my anger and I mostly don’t blame others for my situations. I have become more compassionate person. 

         But what’s next. Is this all I wanted? When I started I didn’t have a vision so I didn’t have a goal. But now? Spiritual progression is what I want. But am I even worthy of it? I still have a lot of negative emotions. When I see a non meditator who is more kind, compassionate and has more patience than me, I endup questioning my whole journey. 

          And being compassionate also hurts sometimes if you can’t help the other person. It makes me feel helpless. What is the point of feeling someone’s pain and not being able to take it away or to do something to change there situation.

        Being a mediocre hurts. Neither you are wise enough like spiritually advanced yogis nor you are indifferent like most of the people. You are in a state where you don’t know how to handle the fluctuating emotions. I just wosh sometimes that someone was there to answer all these questions. Someone was there to guide. Like it feels good to know that there is someone above you who will be there for you innphysical form when things go wrong .

     But this os.me community is like a blessing. It’s the collection of all these wise inteligent people who write there honest stories on this page. Whenever I read any post on this page, I always walk away with new perspective and whenever I want to share something, I know that the people who are reading my posts will read with compassion, without judging me. 

       Thank you all for being so kind and for being so supportive. May god bless you all. Jai sri hari.

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Pratikshya Biswal

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