I walked out of a relationship with a guy and I feel better now. In this post I will address him as ‘this man’ and use the pronouns ‘him/his’ for him. Most of you elders out there already know about life and must have met such people at some point as well but this trash is absolutely new for me and I know that many youngsters might be stuck in ‘to be or not to be’ situation of any relationship, so I guess, some of my experiences might help them to get some answers. So, keep on reading.

I met this man in the second year of the college and he was a broken little angel back then. With his father going astray with other women every now and then, and his mother being beaten up along with him, a person with such a heart-breaking story got a place in my heart quite quickly as he opened up to me and I felt like I should be with him. I felt pity for him as his father never accepted any of his fault about how his actions damaged somethings in his own family and I eventually became a frustration sink for this man. I remember keeping the phone stuck to my ear as he poured out all his frustration, his aggression coupled with nasty words which questioned his life, his existence, his family, my importance and my contribution too. It used to effect me so much that my ears would turn red, my phone would heat up and often I could not sleep after those 7-8 hours of listening to consistent abusive ranting and hate and eventually a point came where I would tremble at phone with his name flashing as he rang me up. 

He was hurt and he was acting as per his own situations. He was not confident and so was I. His aggression stemmed from the lack of love at his home and I don’t blame him for that. But whatever it was, it made a huge impact on me, as I could not concentrate on my studies. I always tried to be better for him as I was never good enough according to him and all my day’s thoughts were of him which were not pleasant. With my phone ringing and his name flashing on it, I would be stuck in a head-wrecking, body-trembling dilemma whether to pick up his call or no. If I did, I would have to listen to his hate and aggression for a few hours and if I did not, he would question me why I didn’t pick up his call and if I answered that I did not wish to talk to him, it would be a whole new drama for his already hurt head and heart. It sounds very normal and not so hurtful but if you were at my place, taking in all those hateful words, self doubt, aggression and abusive words through a phone for hours, quietly that you go blank with your esteem deteriorated further, you would know what toxicity I am talking about. This man at that point would call me after every 10 minutes because he had nobody to cling to and I had not defined any healthy boundry for myself. A healthy boundry is always necessary no matter what your relationship is or how much hurt the other person has taken. You can’t be a 24/7 available doormat. I had struggled with low self esteem and lack of confidence since a very young age and it intensified with this man’s self struggle and his tendency to question me and my importance. This was so troublesome for me that for the first time in my life I thought that I need a psychologist.

A little later, I decided to distance myself a bit from him emotionally because it’s easier to deal with a problem when you don’t have much emotions attached. He continued to call me but then instead of being an active listener, I would just keep his call on speaker and do my work in my own room. He would blabber for an hour or two without stopping and then I would call it off saying that I had some work. It helped me cope up with many things and he too thought that I was listening to him that there was somebody there to listen to him until one day when he got to know about my trick and he went furious yet again. He was constantly angry, hurt and hateful, would speak out abusive words to me and hence, my interest shifted to another guy who was much sober but he too was undecisive, so, I chose not to be with that new guy. This man did not let me go or give a break up to him and he was extremely hurt with me for not sticking to him all the time. Anyway, I dragged on with this relationship because I too was very young and was confused about what love actually was. This man was moody, emotional, aggressive as I had to do what he wanted me to do, be present to him as soon as he called me , be punctual for him, like a doormat at his hurt disposal, none of which I did because I could not keep up with his high and perfect expectations. 

One may ask that despite all negativity and my inability to tackle those situations, why did I choose to stick to him? The only answer is that, back then he used to tell me that he wanted a good family, a beautiful loyalty unlike what goes on in his house and my insecure self decided to melt for that dream because I too was searching for someone to depend on and he wanted a girl to support him and both of us, two young people wanted the thrills of being in love too. We stayed together hoping good times will show up.

Four years down the incident, this man concluded that cheating was what everyone did. His grandpa cheated, his father cheated and he too will hop on some beautiful girl because he gave the explanation of being a ‘man’. A man or an opportunist, it’s upto you to decide. On one hand, this guy talks excessively on spiritual matters and on the other he says that he cannot be consistent in a relationship.  I appreciate him for telling the truth about himself but I don’t need to accept his truth in my own personal life. So, looking at the conditions he has gone through, I understood that this is his truth and I left him. I also accept that things have made me bitter and at the same time stronger. It’s difficult for me to let go off things, so, I need to pen down my emotions here for these are eating me up since a year now. 

In part 2, I will come up with some other incidents, which will give some more light on the situation. It is not the story of me alone, it is what most of the people of my generation are going through. Having a fling, girlfriend swapping is a normal thing for my generation and so is one night stand. Using a partner physically then leaving him or her for somebody else is what many students of this new generation do, and mind you, this is considered ‘cool’ as it is seen as a meritorious person who can hook up with anyone whom he or she wants to, a desirable bachelor, a famous person to spend time with.  People take a label of ‘relationship’ only to get an opportunity to be physical. Most of the students in the college are stuck in excessive drinking, drug addiction, senseless rebellion and obsession with sex or physical gratification..and this is the truth. Dear elders, this is actually the truth and if you have a little kid at your home, please make them prepared to face all such issues and make sure they approach you if anything goes out of hand. They might not get involved in all such stuff but they will surely be in contact with people with such tendencies. Sweeping the topic under the carpet will not help, talk to them, teach them how to deal with such situations. You too, learn about such things, be more acceptable and flexible in this issue. Bring strict a the time won’t help. Drugs, excessive physical gratifiation, rebellion, drinks, smoke, sex etc does not make anyone a bad character but do make your children aware of all these things without making them hate all of this. Strict parenting is of no good beyond a certain point. An acceptance has to be there and a distance too and ultimately it’s them who will decide what kind of life they will lead. You cannot dictate everything.

Ultimately, whatever you accept in your life will eventually grow

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Suguna Ganguly

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