Continuing on from part 1, I would like to remind you that ‘this man’ is actually a very sweet person. If you meet him, he will engage you in a joke or two and soon you will be smiling in his company. When he is happy, he tries to keep everyone around him happy. He is helpful, caring, loving and takes a stand for those whenever he feels like to do so. Taking a stand for your partner is very important, like obviously, you will not like a partner who will shy away from being sighted with you in public or will leave you alone when everyone is doubting you. He stood up for me and even spent his life’s first earning on me. He bought me my birthday gift- a top, a pair of jeans and even heels! He always felt sad when I would be sad and he did his best with whatever means he had to support me, back me. It was him who pulled me out of the pit of my obsession with illuminati and showed me a window where Swamiji is always possible. I am so thankful to him for doing that and now, I am in a beautiful community. I say, it is all by Swamiji’s grace, without Him, it would not have been possible.

When I did not have a laptop with me and there were no cyber centers nearby, this man would wake up late at night and fill up my forms for my entrance exams. He would give me wonderful gifts, cards and expressed his emotions to a great deal. Maybe, back then, I wasn’t a person who would express too much, maybe I ain’t like that even now and he on the other hand would express everything without a filter in his brain. He would notice even the slightest change in my expression and would try to do the needful. A clear hearted person was he.

There is always something different in any person you come across in your life. This guy, unlike most of my generation’s love birds who are superfluous,  made arrangements for me to meet his mother, his mausi and even his father. He loved me, he liked coming over to my home as well and we often sneaked into eateries, gobbling up delicious food or would walk around with hands in hands or maybe just spend some beautiful moments in complete silence, smiling warmly and lightly. These were the moments of peace when we both were just quiet, enjoying the company and vibes of each other. I felt protected with him but with time, a deep insecurity created a gulf on my side. No matter how things go, life never relies on emotions alone. Logic is to be taken into consideration too. Excess of either logic or emotion will only paralyze your life, you need a balance of both; head and heart should go together in almost every decision that is within your reach. In the beginning of our courtship, we were living in the dream of two loyal people who would stay together and it motivated me to do more, bear more that despite all mental wounds due to his moodiness and aggression, i would always try to keep him happy, do my bit which always remained negligible, and it was the truth. None of my advice or words helped him anyway. And as he grew up, he became clearer that he would pounce on beautiful women with whom he would get a chance with. Ever since then, whenever I would looked at him, the feeling of insecurity overpowered the feeling of protection and care that was there previously. I knew that this man is not mine and he would go away with the wind. If a couple mutually decides to be in a polyamorous relationship and it works fine with them,  it’s cool and they should go ahead with that; but even one partner objects to it, it becomes nothing less than hell with suspicion, mistrust and miscommunication hanging in the air.

This man was a victim of his circumstances. With his upside down family life and me being the only friend he was left with, he could not help but lash out at me even for the littlest of his wishes unfulfilled. Even if somebody else might have caused some discomfort, I too was at the receiving end of his shitty words. I understand why his ‘friends’ could not stay with him, because they did not have answers to his questions and he did not realise that a changed behaviour was the only answer but on the other hand, he was blaming his unfair life and reacted with aggression to most of the things. This issue of anger that he had was one of the hurdles of his life. It was affecting all his relationships, not only with me, but even with his mother, his friends, his classmates and everyone. If you want any relationship to thrive, be it familial or corporate, respect is the foremost thing among all. Swamiji too stresses upon giving respect as one of the most important things. A lack of respect in his words which were full of abusive language, anger, frustration and impatience triggered the same in me. I replied rudely, coldly, distantly but would not use abusive language with him and the cycle would go on and on and all his romantic actions stood no chance but crumble down in wrath. I was selfish too as I too reacted in an odd manner, I caused him hurt like he did to me. 

Now, there is another aspect to it as well. As I told you that he is extremely moody with one minute laughing heartily to another where he would dare to even damage his own house’s dining table and television, his days were like a roller coaster ride, pretty much like everybody’s, the only difference being he did not know how to tackle it. Me, on the other hand, worked differently. I would keep quiet when angry or in frustration and would like to have some alone time to calm myself down and this might range from a few minutes to a few days. Unlike him, I cannot drop my grudges within an hour like a swing of mood and move on to another topic just like that, rather for a few days, I would be covered with a cloud of suspicion and many questions because I knew that a storm was waiting on the other side of his calm and laughing moments. It used to take me two to three days to come back to my normal state where I would be laughing with him and then all of a sudden, this guy would pick up one thing from the array of sentences I had spoken, misunderstand it and would shout on me again and again,blaming me without understanding me and I would be sombre, questioning everything once more.  So, practically speaking, I was sad with him most of the time and it was because of his aggression, anger and lack of control over his tongue. Impatience and ego does not make you intelligent but makes you to lose common sense. You don’t even understand little of the things due to that and are always on high guard to protect your ego. You desire to be right at all times even when the other person does not mean to say what you understood. It only creates miscommunication and communication gap.

Sometimes, he would feel emotional and say- ‘Suguna, it is always me who puts in efforts, I don’t see you doing anything. You don’t do anything and it hurts me, you never explain anything to me. You don’t put any effort into this relationship.’ He would say it with a lot of emotions, with a sense of lack, maybe with some teary eyes as well but I have never ever refuted him. See, you cannot expect others to react and walk with you while you suck out all energy from them like a vampire. You cannot say that they don’t speak freely, with love while you are rough in your dealings and keep them on their toes. It does not happen in love. No matter what, your anger issues are solely your issues to solve. Do not make others the victim of it. Just because your life was difficult for you, you don’t have the authority to make it difficult for others as well and for a healthy society or even relationship of any kind, respect is the base of it all.

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Suguna Ganguly

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