Swamiji please accept my sastang pranam at your lotus feet.

Today, let me share some very personal and emotional part of my life with all the readers which became an integral part of my life after the departure of my mother.

The month of March is very special for me. Yes, its my birthday month (29th March). Also this is the month, I lost my mommy to Cancer. I can’t believe I have survived 17 long years without my mommy. It all happened within 10 months. On May 5th (this is the Anniversary date my papa-mommy) she was diagnosed and on March 9th evening she left us. Her early departure had left us numb. But life has to move on. So I moved on gathering all my strength. I was 20 days away from my 21st birthday. She had already taught me the basics of life but what I want to share today is the learnings I got after her departure. Disclaimer: These are purely my personal experiences, not any tips.

1. You are not a kid anymore. As long as one has mother one remains kid. After departure of my mommy, suddenly people started expecting me to behave with maturity. As a girl, I had to be a matured adult at the age of 21 with all the complex duniyadaari maintaining all the relationships with our relatives when my friends did not even know how to make tea.

2. Not everyone around you is there with you in your bad times. Some people are there just because they have to. Similarly everyone present there is not your enemy either. People would expect you to ask for advises be at their mercy and when you try to take decision on your own, they will treat you as arrogant. They will not express their happiness when you prosper with your own decision. They would be rather happy if you act as per their illogical shabby decisions!

3. ‘Moving on’ is totally a myth. People move on from break ups not from a death. A part of me has moved on but a part of me will always be there in the past. Personally, I have not been able to accept the fact that my mommy is no more even after 17 long years given the type of bonding we both shared.

4. You will have to lower your expectations from everyone including life itself. I remembered I was very excited to celebrate my 20th birthday, I did not know why. Now I think may be that was my last birthday with my mommy .(before leaving me she left a beautiful salwar -kurta for my 21st birthday)

5. No one will ever understand why you suddenly start crying without any reason and why your heart start aching right in the silent midnight.

6. Something will remain a secret forever. There are few things which will always remain my secrets, because I could not share that with anyone else but my mommy and this is the biggest irony of a girl.

7. Some special days will make you numb: on days like Mother’s Day, my mommy’s bday, my papa-mommy’s wedding anniversary I do not know how to react. I see my friends’ pictures with their mother on mother’s day and I realize that I do not have any more pics with my mommy which makes me realize my huge loss time and again.

8. You are now on your own. It’s truly said that you can only fall back on your mom for everything. Since last 17 yrs many a time I have found myself to be on my own. But, yes I am grateful that God has balanced it for me by giving me such an awesome husband on whom I can fall back upon for almost everything.

9. You have to be financially independent and learn some basic cooking irrespective of your gender that will give you strength in any adverse situation. That’s the reason I try to engage Sahil in kitchen to help me.

10. You will become more possessive about your siblings and kids. Losing my mom made me more possessive about my brother. Now I have became very possessive about my kids. During my second pregnancy I was scared. Because I thought if something happens to me what all can happen to Sahil after that. I was scared thinking that when I have such a tough time without my mommy in spite of the fact that I was 21 when my mom passed away, how will my 10 year old son would manage without me???? I had sleepless nights those days.

Yes, I am very very emotional at this moment. I want to scream, cry and just want to release all the pressure I was exerted on, on the account of loss of my mother. May be Swamiji’s Darshan will give me some relief. And see the co-incidence, we are going to have His Darshan in the month of March. Being a Banker March is also important for me as it’s the closing of financial year 🙂

Jai Shri Hari…

PS: This is the 99th Post. The 100th Post will quite a surprise!