I humbly offer my obeisance to you Rev. Sri. Sri. Om Swamiji🙏🕉 Your post on Respect today made me pen down on what I am encountering at present. It’s a feeling of deep emotion very close to my heart. I kept postponing it for only one thought cropped up, that it’s something so personal and in the near future I don’t want to look back and say, “ Hey, I need not have done this!” But after reading your post, I felt that there is no time better than this very moment, for who knows this could be life changing or transformative to someone out there.  Kindly Be my guiding light🙏

Keeping all the sensitivity of the matter , incident and respect to all the ones concerned….

I know my previous posts mostly have been all about my own personal life, it’s experiences past and present. I have nothing to hide for my simple  life is just like a clean slate which gives me a reason to share warmly so that maybe somewhere a life may get touched for good. For we all are learner’s on the path, irrespective of our age, status. 

It’s true in many ways that our choices our perspective to all that we encounter makes or breaks us. But sometimes I feel that our trust and peace is taken for granted when we just keep quiet and witness certain disrespectful incidents which surely boosts the in-dignified  moral of the perpetrator committing and redoing the same with more power.

I also feel the abusiveness that I went through in the past   had its repercussions on the psyche of my kids. I am sure lot of kids go through it, esp if the relationship between both the parents is not brilliant. My self respect was all the time at stake and I had no choice or even the courage to get out of the mess, for after loosing my whole family in an  accident when I was barely 19 yrs, I had no emotional strength left in me somewhere.

Honestly, when you go through the turbulences one after the other, the tenderness of your innate nature becomes vulnerable and when you realise that the one you are holding on to is a mere non existential being things only get darker with no ground beneath your feet.

I felt like an orphan stranded with no training in the trading of the world , with least efficiency in understanding the tricks  of relationships, where your self respect is always butchered  in such situations. My inner joy quietened too  at a very young age for I felt I was handed the clutch of a massive ship unknowingly to anchor it down . So endless moments went past working and noticing and waiting for the dead calmness of the rough waters to let the clutch fly and anchor with ease or else keep facing the repercussions. Give me a peaceful breath Divine🙏

What is my true nature? How am I suppose to function? Also I feel when you are content and at peace with yourself , it’s very overwhelming for the world of immature souls around. Goodness is a threat to many shut minds. So much so that I could feel my own joy and peace were only based on how others would feel about me. Do I fit their bill? The answers were known but implementing meant breaking the rules of the society and relationships at large.

I found solace in the me time, a space which was spent only in the company of my kids , laughing and sharing cute moments as I was reliving my childhood with them.It helped me sail through . Thank you my kiddos 🕊 As long as I was securing both of them with the family concept, the cost I kept incurring to sustain myself was a process of continuous stampede on my self respect. But the major thing that kept me going strongly was immense faith as well as fierceness of Lord Ganesha and Maa Durga. 

I knew everything was just a farce and one is left to just bear with it and keep moving. 

Yes,  the kids were raised single handedly with virtues of being good humans but deep down what they carried only they know it better. As a mother I felt that I did my best to an extent , out of the given situation where sometimes  even I had faltered , like loosing my cool, but would sooner or later realise and tried my best to face and protect myself from the outrageous influences that I had fallen prey to.

I felt relieved eventually as I set my kids free to find their own nests.It was as if I set myself free.  Though my journey even though I was on my own was still linked to the good and not so good turmoils of the journey of my kids now. Life is like a joyride that can be very elevating or at times slow and weigh you down, and in any case you have to keep showing up.

In October 2019 I joined my daughter who is based in a Canada for good . It was not an easy task and I thought given my age it’s good to be with kids and spend the rest of my life peacefully. So winding up every little thing , parted with all my stuff to my dear friends , got my paperwork sorted and above all getting things sorted for both my cats , their Pet Passport, to microchipping and health certificates to vaccinating almost took me more than a couple of months. It wasn’t easy.

Finally it was a delight to reach safe and sound with my pets at Toronto. The kids were happy ( my daughter and son in law) . Back of the mind it was a huge respite for me too that finally I would now not have to worry for not having anyone by my side , when my last breath comes.

But I guess, sometimes our dreams are short lived , esp in my case, where my Divine Ganesha always keep thinking of my betterment. Barely after a week, the couple had an argument and fit of the moment my son in-law ( he is Danish guy, and wears this very cold look on his face most of the time, wish he smiles more ) uttered to my daughter in a rough language “ ask your mother to leave”. It took me sometime to register and my daughter pacified me that he seriously did not mean it.

In between as time went by , I could see that no one had the time to sit or speak much, given to their schedules I felt  it’s fine to keep coping with their way of living. So I would do my chores and be in my room most of the time. Life was, just living and keeping it to the point. Sometimes for good many days I was not see able to see my daughter’s face too as she had no time. Reasons yet again, best known to her. Though she is a compassionate and kind girl, and it made me wonder at times, of what use are your virtues if you only implement according to your moods . Unknowingly she was influencing her better half to be disrespectful too.

It was towards the last weekend of July, last year. The kids went for an outing, they came home, we had our dinner and around 8 pm I had retired in my room as my daily Saadhna takes few hours. Around midnight I could hear some heated arguments and soon a  loud bang on my bedroom door. I opened and saw my son in-law standing and shouting like crazy, my daughter was trying to quieten him but he was least concerned of it, and was venting out his frustration and using foul language , and then almost coming right on my face, he asked me to  leave the house. It took me sometime to register , such an abnormal behaviour of the boy and then one look at my daughter I felt she was not expecting this from him too. 

I only knew one thing that I had to maintain my calm when I was being hurled with all kind of abuses and was being blamed even of my past . It was rather a shallow mind he reflected . No normal person would behave the way he did. So when I was asked to get out of the house at midnight, I thought to myself, where would I go ? I did not know anyone in that town ?

I then asked my son in law to calm down and that he needs to give me a couple of days so that I could figure out my moving. To which he readily agreed. Trust me, you can imagine my state that time. Who is to know even a bare communication in the household would make people so insane. The only thing good about myself I felt was the demeanour I carried myself with. For all I could witness were two immature kids in front of me who had already made an endless drama in their heads that could satisfy their ego and frustration to an extent to use a parent figure . My presence made it easy for them to vent out their own conflicts. It’s the best and easy way out I guess. 

Finally after the agreement I went back into my room, only to find out a big non stop bang again on my door and while I am still figuring my position that I am put into , I managed to open the door to see my son in law yelling right on my face, he swore again and I could hear my daughter yelling at him, and then he leaves the house . My daughter quickly called her father in law ( who stays 10 mins away from her place) and he came over and the next thing I see her , leaving the house to search for him, and I am left on my own to take care of myself. In about 20 mins time I was informed they ( including her husband ) are at his mom’s place and would be coming in the morning.

Now imagine my condition, with no one by my side , I was little shaky, thankfully not dead. Phew, and I thought of calling my son ( who stays in U. K.), my hand would reach my mobile and I would withdraw time and again, and think of not calling him but then the incident was puzzling me ,  as to what I should be doing if the guy comes and harasses me once back home. I thought atleast before something serious happens ( as it was so unpredictable anyways) I must keep my son in the loop and so I called him up . My son was shocked to hear and got extremely worried for  to me and asked me to take the help of the cops.

“Are you nuts! “you think I am going to call the cops on my son in law?” I said.

“ It’s for your protection Maa, you call the cops now, or else I shall call them from here and send the protection for you now”, he added firmly. “ And note down these emergency nos , just in case “. “ Please stay strong Maa, and keep me updated”. “ I am just a call away, though I wish I was there with you now!” I felt relieved with his words, but also made me emotional as to what I was facing at that point. His words were comforting.

I noted down the no’s of few shelter homes in case of an emergency and then sat down to call the cops. It was a grave situation I realised only a bit later, where anything could happen and no one by my side. ( I wondered what was I doing in this world where people have all the time to be so negative and stressed). 

The cops arrived, we tried reaching our daughter she did not respond to the calls, probably she was busy looking after her husband, which was fair.  The cops took a note of the incident and before leaving they  asked me to be careful and call again if need be.

Strange everything seemed at that point in time.  No, I was not even feeling pain, It was as if the Divine was showing up the colours of the threads of attachment , for didn’t I want to join them in the first place.  True! but is anything  truly mine? there was this deep introspection that had taken over. I know He is weaving a beautiful sheet of peace for me . At that point all  I felt was I needed to space out. I needed to breathe. I started to pack my stuff slowly.

I waited till morning when my daughter came around 5 am , she assured me all is fine. “ He is apologetic of his behaviour, she said”.

She saw couple of my bags packed..” you are not going anywhere”, she added rather puzzled.

It was almost 8 am .My daughter left for her office, her husband ( who was on leave for almost 3 months ) was in his room. He was not apologetic of his behaviour, but natural it’s his home after all . There was this uncomfortable feeling churning  within me , for I needed to get out and breathe. It was not easy to be at that place. 

I picked up my phone and called the shelter home and explained my position. “ Please, you don’t have to worry, we are with you”, came a sweet assuring voice. “ We will send the cab to pick you up immediately”, “ just carry few of your clothing and medication “, the lady on the other side constantly comforting me added politely.

I left my daughter’s home without letting her know , for at that point all I needed was a quite space .

Yes, I was at the shelter for two weeks, covid period so could not travel back to India. Persistent calls and couple of meeting with my daughter and finally my son in law gave a written apology for his behaviour.

I came back to my daughter’s place. Things are calm and civil. I know for sure things are not going to be the same as trust has been shaken, and by the look of it the boy still wears the same attitude, but he is careful with his speech now, though I cook for them, chit chat a bit , make a deliberate attempt to sit with my daughter esp. or else I would not be able to survive. Makes me think deeply to leave back as I do not want to be a burden on them. I know my daughter cares but her life with her partner matters, and I wish them togetherness.

May they keep growing well to live beautifully and love more and heal their bruised bit within and allow their light to shine. Their journey has begun. I wish them the best always.

Believe me for months I only had my long walks, the trails , nature to talk too, sometimes would cry my heart out, ( the brave don’t look good when they cry😊 Pappa kehte thay😊 don’t worry Paa I am still your strong baby but have learnt to serve the Universe more with my experiences for I owe it to the world that we have the ability to re-create ourselves) and all this while my son and daughter in law were such a support. My Son  kept pushing me to write, and I kept writing on Os.me. for it kept me focused on the best things I was Blessed with. Can’t thank him enough for every single day he would be present, as a good listener and sometimes like a sweet mentor. 

The Shelter home was a respite , it was like a school, where I made good friends and helped some of them to get over their traumas and the officials were amazing and very helpful and kind. It was a respite from the life I was into for few months at home. My dear friends in India ( only few know about the incident) lend me their sweet time, whenever needed thankful for everything.

But most importantly when I read an article of Om Swamiji mentioning to pursue one’s passion , I picked up my paint brush and could see my pain fading, the very first painting I shared here as well. My writing continues.

Above all in the words of Om Swamiji on Respect yesterday is an eye opener 🙏

How two people or new family members treat each other in the first few weeks of meeting pretty much sets the tone of that relationship for the rest of your life.

And let me tell you, there’s no respect without self-respect. Whatever negative behaviour you accept even once will only worsen over time. Personal respect is an inheritance.

It’s time to prepare to head back to a India. Have to start afresh , sigh! All I need is to detach that feeling of a Mother’s heart when I leave Canada as deep down I really love my little baby. Divine Sri. Hari Bless her and her better half immensely.

I do hope to get a reply from you Rev. Sri Sri. Om Swamiji on this, for after all I still remain way too naive for this world 🙏🕉.

~~~~~~~         ~~~~~~         ~~~~~~~

Life goes on…

Reminds me of a couplet by Mirza Ghalib

रंज से ख़ूगर हुआ इंसाँ तो मिट जाता है रंज

मुश्किलें मुझ पर पड़ी इतनी कि आसाँ हो गयीं

– मिर्ज़ा ग़ालिब

Ranj se khugar hua insaan to mit jaata hai ranj
Mushkilein mujh par padi itni ke Asan ho gayee

When a person is habituated of sorrows then sorrows disappear

So many difficulties fell upon me that everything became easy

     Glossary : Khugar = habitual; Ranj= sorrow.

Gratitude and thanks to the OS family for being there🙏

Peace and Harmony🙏🕉

Siddhika Umesh

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