When I look at myself, I know I am not where I want to be. It’s not about my relationships, or my career or about my material or spiritual desires. It’s about my personal development and maturity…which basically dictates the rest of my life. I suppose it’s all connected; it always is! I have unknowingly befriended resistance, allowing my conditioning to limit myself, unable to let go faster. I also know that I have been growing and transforming, it’s just that it feels snail paced. If I just learnt my lessons quicker, I know I would be in a better place (as I’m writing this, I can see that I am beating myself about it).

We can’t help but be conditioned based on our experiences. From a young age, lack of self-belief and self-love has been an area that frequently visited my attention. My source has been traced to my parents. My parents have gone through it too, like most humans and they have projected themselves on to each other and behaved in ways that have not been loving and compassionate. I feel like I have absorbed their qualities so distinctly. If they were better role models, perhaps things would have been different. My siblings share the same parents and have experienced the same, yet their sense of self is vastly different. At least that’s how I perceive it. Nevertheless, I know this is what I chose to experience, and I take complete responsibility for the way I am.

Over the years, I have seen myself cling on to all kinds of relationships that are not serving me. Why is it difficult to let go of when the answer is so simple? For me, it’s because it an exact replica of my parents relationship. Broken. Yet fiercely loyal.

So here is the answer that dawns upon me. I forgive them for not being able to help themselves and be better for themselves. They are doing the best they can and they always have done. And I am grateful that they taught me and mirrored many lessons to me to help me evolve on the journey.

And in every moment that makes me feel like I am not enough, where I doubt myself, I know my body reacts simultaneously. Naturally! I can feel it in the pit of my stomach! Literally my inner child screaming at me! In those moments, I have to remember it’s my belief systems that make me feel this way. And with a systematic approach, I repeat and embody the feelings with complete emotion – I love myself. Yes, I love me AND the little girl in me. I accept me  – I am enough and I forgive myself.

It’s so normal to perceive my life in the box I have created. It’s the limitations that I have accepted that keep me squared in. But as I ask for more guidance and surrender to his grace, light eventually illuminates to shift my perception. And boy when it does, it’s so liberating :).  

I am not quite there with self-love and self belief, but that’s ok. I am aware of it and I am taking the steps in the right direction and that’s what matters most. I have to be patient. I have to trust the process. 

Our Guru and Bhagwan are always on our side cheering us on, equally we have to be on the same page to be able to live our most divine, purposeful life. I pray that his grace enables our entire consciousness to evolve rapidly and may his transformational light shower us all, infinitely.

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Bijal Shah

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