I offer my obeisance to you Rev. Sri . Om Swamiji🙏🕉🌺

Thanking you each time, for inspiring me and giving me the strength to pour out my heart to my spiritual family here. In gratitude and once again my humble Pranaams to you 🙏🕉

 

Had grown up listening to the Bhagwad Gita stories narrated after each adyaaye ( chapter) and use to find them very interesting and intriguing too, as to how our present life deeds effect our next janama ( birth). Mom used to always guide me that one should always be doing good in life and never ever harm anybody.

The Gita stories had a very deep impact on my psyche, and trust me this is my very truth, of living my life the way, I did and still do. I know I have paid a hefty price for it, lost out on relationships, not because others walked out of my life, but because I put my foot down. I could not stoop or get into the crafty barter system a lot many relationships carry , for to survive one has to get into a selfish pond to fulfill desires, change thoughts, deeds, and get rewarded too , for not being yourself . I do feel sad , for myself at times, for what I had to go through, but their is always an unknown divine joy within that let’s me sleep like a baby , without regrets till date. And that’s enough for me.

In all due respects to every being, the intentions are not to hurt any class or sect of people, in my posts. For the description is purely based on my own experiences, with truth🙏🕉

 

The Journey part -3

The traumas of life that started one after the other were enough to shake and make anyone shudder, more than my divorce at a young age when I was barely 20 yrs of age, and then few months later loosing my whole family in a car accident , left me devastated beyond imagination . The only solace  was , the presence of my dear younger brother who was my lifeline now.

 

Looking after the huge business Pappaji had left behind, was the biggest challenge for both of us . My brother  was barely 18 years of age. But we promised to each other that,  we would carry the legacy of our parents . And both me and my brother did sail through, the darkest times, supporting each other in the best possible way, with faith in the Divine and teachings of our Elders.

I vowed to spend the rest of my life looking after him, and he too always treated me like a mother , even though he was just a  couple of years younger to me.

My mother had big dreams of getting him married with great pomp and splendour , with a fusion of marching bands, , ceremony and huge celebration . She always used to express her feelings to us with a cheerful smile on her face. Barely after a year of my parents demise, my brother insisted that he wanted to settle down, as the house used to haunt him without all the family members.

So eventually he chose the lady of his life, who belonged to a very simple and small backdrop,  though my own Aunts and my Mom’s dear friends, who were like mother figures,  guided us well  and   did raise an objection, to move forward into  a relationship , where equal  status mattered.

But since my brother loved the girl, we did not bother much of the backdrop and went ahead with the engagement and finalised the wedding date . For me it was time to fulfill my Mother’s dream.

 

I personally looked into every details of the grand wedding , to the decor, getting the best traditional design of the wedding card ,  to the invites , the venue, to the best caterers, to hiring the best makeup artist, the decorators, and booking hotel rooms for the guests and relatives who were to attend. Above all booking for their trip to Mysore, post marriage , everything was meticulously listed and planned . Unfortunately I fell really sick , during the preparation time, as the running around had taken a toll on me. But nothing was stopping me to carry on, and thankfully I had wonderful friends who came forward to extend all their help , in making everything possible too. It was a massive affair.

 

The only thing that I wanted solely to do myself was, shop for the best attires , exquisite jewelery, and set the best trousseau for my would be sister in law. Which I managed to do really well. My mom had a great taste when it came to dressing and jewellery . I think I inherited it completely from her. It truly was an exciting time. Happiness was going to knock at our door, once again , after a long void and the house would be full of joy with the coming of a new member.

The grand day finally was graced and  we got home the graceful lady of my brother’s  life, who now was part of us, with Divine Blessing. The couple let for Mysore for good three weeks and some of my brothers friends looked after his business affair in his absence.

 

One such  friend used to work on small commission basis, for my brother and used to frequent our house, whenever he was called for some business matter. I had no clues of his intention , that he was attracted towards me, because he behaved very quiet and sombre. Since he just was an acquaintance in my brother’s business dealing, I never even bothered to know much, as to who he was. He came from a very poor backdrop and seemed to shy away from the rest of our friends and cousins. But yes, the tradition of our house was to treat everyone equally when it came to hospitality . So he slowly became part of our elite group of friends.

I had my routine of yoga, going to the gym, looking after the home affairs and sometimes the accounts of my Father’s business , and never had time to think about anything else. ( came to know after years that he used to follow me quietly and keep an eye on my whereabouts, strange!)

One fine day, out of the blue, not seeing my brother at home, this guy struck some conversation very politely and proposed to me , and I got furious. My staff at home, were very protective towards me and they too were taken aback with the weird boldness, of his approach. Sensing my expression , they asked him to leave and only come when my brother is back after his trip from Mysore.

When my brother came, I narrated to him, how this guy had the audacity to propose to me. It was taken on a lighter note by everyone, including my cousins and Aunt ( Masi Ji) .

 

The unknown mystery brews…

My sister in law  used to frequent her parents home, every weekend, but one day when she left  , she did not return for good two days, her mother called up and spoke to my brother, asking him to shift me to another apartment , since her daughter needed the whole place now. Both me and my brother were shocked, as to how such a thing can happen.

Barely two months of his marriage and all of a sudden a simple girl, who always used to confide in me , never wanted to go to her parents , for every little thing take my help, turning this way. Her parents too had deep respect for me before marriage and they were immensely sweet , and considered that their daughter was lucky to have  me  as a sister and mother both. Suddenly, why this change ?

So the next day we went to my sister in laws house and finally got her back home. But it seemed she was now under the influence of her parents, whose only motto was to get, everything in her name and account , for who knows one fine day I might ask for my share. They were very clear now, with my brother , and I now became a  biggest threat for them , including my brother , who too was getting carried away , but was maintaining a respectful quietness because he truly cared for me.

Strange are the unpredicted functionalities of life. Can Human minds be so calculative in love and compassion?

It was barely two months since the wedding, things just did not seem right. I was getting ignored by my brother and his wife. Something was seriously brewing, of which I was kept unaware, like a total stranger.

One fine day, this guy who had proposed me came home to meet my brother regarding some office affair, and was waiting in the living area. All of a sudden some commotion took place between my brother and his wife inside and their argument over me got so loud that I could clearly hear her saying that she wanted me to leave the place at any cost and my brother kept pacifying  her, that very soon he would be shifting me to another town.

I just could not believe my ears, clueless of this unknown behaviour, I felt very embarrassed, as the whole staff in my house was overhearing . I felt humiliated, that finally money, and all the riches were chosen over me. Do I really have an identity? Do I belong to anybody? Does my existence matter to anybody? How much more am I going to suffer at the hands of others. So much was this inner force of emotions, that I took a drastic step that very moment.

I don’t know what got over me, but I took out my suitcase, threw my clothes from my wardrobe into it, went out into the living room where this guy was sitting, very profoundly asked him, “ so you wanted to marry me, are you willing to do so right away! He was totally blank, but consented. I called my brother out and politely uttered“ I am leaving the house, you  need not worry about me anymore”. “ I am not taking a single penny with me, there is kitbag that has some few precious things Mom had gifted me on my respective birthdays, if you want I can leave that too”. I further added, “ you can get all the business and property papers signed anytime! I would not back out on my words”.  His eyes welled up, and he begged me not to leave.  The staff was very close to me, and they were all in tears and tried to stop me. My sister in- law did not bother to come out though.

I left the house that very moment, clueless , of my path. I really felt doomed and abandoned that day. It seemed like a tiring battle with the world, where viciousness reigns mighty for many and people rejoice at the cost of instilling suffering to others. I thought I’d rather be with a poor guy, who would give me atleast the love of the world , and be at peace with less riches.

 

Situations , calamities, tragedies , when they occur  leave a deep impact on one’s psyche and takes long time to heal, and further blaming the person who is going through the trauma can reap  havoc or even death. I felt just the same . For me it was do or die situation . My father’s properties, business and wealth became the priority of my sister in law and his family and eventually my brother too fell prey to it.

I left everything and moved away with the guy who proposed me and got married in a small temple nearby and left for his hometown Haridwar, ( I had only heard about Haridwar in books). The biggest bumps were in store for me . They were a family of 10 members, and one small room, and including us were now 12 members.

One king size bed , with an old rugged mattress, and an old sheet cover on it. The room was converted into two portions , and the other side had a very old couch , which was torn and a whole lot of coir was visible in many places. The old broken  floor tiles  , the patchy plaster on the walls , fallen off in some places, the unkept rough scraped old doors, with bare polish on left on them , spoke volumes of the history of the place , and for that matter even the circumstances of the ones residing.

It was a creaky old home. Most of the members would sit on the floor, and cooking was done in a small chosen corner, where the bed was kept. There was a back door , leading outside to an open broken verandah, that was common to all the people staying in the surrounding. A small bathrooom , barely one meter in length adjoining the outer side of the back door opening. It was used for just bathing or washing clothes. This place was a century old ashram which belonged to my mother in law’s father, and before he died he gave one room to her, and sold the rest of the rooms to different people .

There were two toilets, atleast 8-9 metres away from the back door , and it was a common  to all the 6-7 families staying there. It was more like a chawl ( typically housing rooms for the less deprived).

But the shocking bit came , when I entered the house. No one was happy, though the family was informed of my coming, and I was extremely happy to be amongst a family , which was my own now, and felt  that they would be decently welcoming me, as the guy had praised his family as very kind and loving.

A whole lot of commotion started between the sisters , mother and the so called man whom I chose as my husband. His mother started to rebuke him , and said sarcastically, “ how can you marry a second hand woman!”  “ were you short of unmarried girls in your life?“ the son tried to hush her, but she kept yelling, and finally seeing my blank and feeble expression, she added rather dramatically, “ Now  that you have come here, you have to follow what you are asked  to do”. “ Don’t show your elite attitude ever in this house!”. Three of his sisters , who were elder too him echoed the same.

I for sure knew, was doomed, if the man I married would not support me. Which thankfully , he did , and I had some respite.

 

The nightmares followed….

There was so much scarcity in the house, the family seemed so deprived, and soon as I opened my suitcases, they were more or less ransacked , I for once was shocked at their behaviour, but then I thought, poor things, they have not seen these kinds of clothes and stuff, so I allowed them to take whatever they wanted. I was left with 3 of my outfits, and I thought, maybe I would buy something later, if I could afford, as the guy had no consistent source of income. My kit bags had some of my silver and bit of my gold stuff, so everyone took what they liked, so much so I was even asked to take out my gold chain which i was wearing, by my mom in law and I readily gave in. I was absolutely fine with it, as this was my family now.

But , was I be able to win over, their hearts , and was I accepted as a daughter in that house? shall share in the next post…

 

Before I wind up, I need to mention here, that it’s takes tremendous amount of energy and thought to relive these kind of moments, for tapping the past full of uncomfortable, jittery memories , is never easy. It takes years to heal. But I wanted the spiritual family world out  here to witness , as how  insanely the spirit of goodness, humaneness and kindness , can be subtly crushed in every possible manner by depleted beings.

Tragedies, abuses, calamities, setbacks have the ability to ruin the very spirit of a being. It’s rather easy to say to keep positive most of the time, esp. when the inside is not healed. Chances are we encounter the same cycles, the same kind of people with the self not feeling complete. It’s natural to have someone by your side, and  should be wise enough to understand you, and even better if, you are made to live and laugh in a company of like minded souls. In many cases , it does not happen.
Our being quiet , being patient, is boosted  as being strong which could be otherwise. Strength too needs channelising like weakness. For if left unattended or un-acknowledged , the Soul would never be healed, in spite of all it’s right functionalities. Strength too needs pat at the back. Our wise choices , our being grounded and everlasting peace  can only come from a healed heart and mind. Right environment and people matter the most. 

God has very intricately fabricated our innocency with divinity . Let no distorted thought or dismantled intent of an intruder tamper it .

 

Thank you  for your time and patience for dropping by, and reading this post, on the experiences of my journey Part 3. You can read the he next part of the journey, Soul Rebirthing, here.

Part I of the journey  link sharedhttps://os.me/short-stories/soul-abuse/

Part 2 of the journey  link https://os.me/short-stories/tenderness-of-life

Next 

Update: pic courtesy, inner intuition

Jai Sri Hari🙏🌺🕉

Siddhika Umesh

 

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