It all started with the birth of a simple girl who eventually happen to be me. Not everyone was happy with my birth but it didn’t matter because even I wasn’t happy with my birth. I always used to question myself. Why was I born? Why didn’t I die right after my birth? I always used to question my existence.
Growing up I always used to think that death is the only solution to our problems and that death is a beautiful experience. As I grew I was never really attached to my family, unlike other children. I loved my family a lot but I used to have a really hard time living with them. It was a situation where I couldn’t live with them and neither could I live without them. My biggest fear my losing my family.
As time flew I started to have really strong but unhealthy attachments and dependency with people who gave me even a little bit of their love because as a child I was never introduced to it. As far as I remember I learned the word hate before love. As I moved on in life I came to know that no one is permanent and when I started losing people who I feared losing the most I was shattered.
The very first time I experienced this was when I lost my grandmom when I was really young but had the knowledge of death. Then after when I started going to school, I made really good friends only to realise later that they were just some temporary people in life who would come and go. My fear started growing stronger over time.
I realised that people don’t really stay with you for a lifetime and they stay with you just for a certain period of time. That hit me really hard. I wanted people who I loved and loved me back to stay forever with me but deep down in my heart I also knew that it wasn’t possible. So when I looked at people whom I used to think I hated I realised that I was too busy looking at the bad side of them that I totally forgot about the good side they actually had.
I realised hate is such a heavy word and tried to remove it from everywhere including in my subconscious mind. I started to love people whom I thought I hated at first. That was when I really feared losing them. Just when I started to understand things an incident happened that completely broke me and gave rise to my fear again. I didn’t understand how to react and what to do next. I was in a stage where nothing was in my control and my life had become completely upside down.
As days went by life again started to come back on track (which actually had not but at that time I thought it had). I was actually happy because I had got some people in my life who actually loved me and cared for me in fact I was elated but God had other plans for me. That happiness didn’t last much and some people I loved a lot had to leave due to some reason. I was broken again. I started thinking why does it always happen to me?
It was really silly of me to think like that because later I realised that in life as a person in order to grow you need to move on from a place at a certain period of time and no one has the right to stop them from doing so. I cried for a few days but made peace with the fact and moved on with my life.
Everything was going alright until one day something happened that changed my life and I fell ill. I had to choose between my home and my career. I chose my home because it was the only place where I could be safe. I came back home and was quite happy for a few days until one day when I overheard a conversation between my family members wherein the pillar of our home was losing faith in life.
He was actually thinking of giving up on life because he was fed up with whatever had happened to him. He was so done with everything that he felt giving up was the only person. Seeing such a strong person whom I loved a lot giving up on life broke me down.
I’ve been feeling like nothing’s left in life to live for but looking at some people who are always beside me is what is not letting me give up and keep trying hard to cope with every problem that comes along my way and I think that’s what life actually is, a mixture of happiness and sadness and we need to learn to enjoy the journey. As of now, I’m trying to overcome my own fear and give strength to my family because that’s what they really need right now.