I have been emotionally and kind of physically stuck for more than a week now as I write this.
It’s heartbreaking but it’s also comforting as I have known this feeling for a long time now. There is so much to say, I may be writing this post to seek validation, but yet validation is not what I am really after. It’s mostly about getting my feelings out, as I don’t think I have a better outlet for them.
I have been professionally diagnosed with ADHD, but on the surface I come across as a neurotypical person. I have had people say to me that ADHD is either not real, or that it’s pretty common and everyone goes through what I go through. The thing is, for me its prevalent to a point that it gets in the way of my daily activities and being able to hold a job. The problem is, I had already internalised all the criticisms thrown at me while growing up, about how I was not good enough for not getting good grades, being weird, and not having any friends, not being good at anything etc etc…back then this disability was even unheard of. But now after the diagnosis, I still feel stuck as am still surrounded by people who do not approve of it, coupled with my internalised feelings that I am just not focusing hard enough.
What does one do in such situations? It’s about internalised guilt vs seeking validation, both of which I have grown accustomed to.
I will finish the post with a proposed solution, because I am an avid problem solver and cannot digest the thought of just having questions and no answers. So here are some solutions I came up with which I may or may not follow through:
– take medications, and try to live the most optimal life that I could never have without it. Heal myself and then rethink about this situation
– Even after trying for so many years, I should still keep trying and I may finally succeed this time. It will be very exhausting, but if I overcome it this way, it will give meaning to all the struggles I had to endure all those years.
Thanks for taking time to read! I much appreciate it.