I am 36 yrs old. I am master’s in science and i work in a company which pays me well.

I have been recently to Thailand for my project.  I am happy with my profession.

Somehow things are not very well at home.  My elder brother, who is a peon in school in my native village, is jealous of me. My younger brother is too pampered and hasn’t even started any earning.

My father was in jute mill and now retired. He is not happy with me because i have a private job and that’s not reliable. 

He trusts my elder brother more because he takes bribe and has enough money to build a double storey house.

We are a joint family.  I want to marry the girl i love. My elder brother is against because then he will have to part with his property.  But i am not giving up. I am firm. Finally i got married to my Prema. 

I am super happy in life and everything is good. I now have a daughter  and she is the apple of my eye.

Some pandemic has been declared. I lost my job. I am looking for some alternative. Now i am forced to live at my native village with my family, including my parents,  my elder brother and his family and my younger brother. 

I am looking for job but i am being pressurised to give money for house expenses from my father..i am unable to. Luckily my wife understands me. She never forces me for anything. She never demands anything. 

Did i make a mistake by bringing this good soul in my family.

Why can’t my parents and brothers see that i am struggling. Why can’t they simply support me in this tough time. I want to shine ..i want to support my family but my savings are coming to an end. 

I won’t sustain finacially for long. My 2 year old is my only solace. I love to spend time with her.

I guess i am getting into depression.  My parents don’t understand my situation. They have started calling me pagal.

I am not Pagal. I am just passing through a bad phase. My prema stands with me but she is helpless. Her family too doesn’t understand me much.

I am loosing my mental balance. Today i wore two different shoes and i was not even aware of untilla stranger pointed out. I need to see a doctor.  But i don’t have money and my family is not at all understanding that i am going into acute depression. 

Today my father scolded me saying i am good for nothing. I have applied for few jobs but nothing is working out.

Flipkart or amazon might take me as delivery boy.  I have applied for such jobs too.

I finally manage to get a job with delivery service. I will rock soon.

Today my father was super angry on me for not contributing anything financially for two months. He mistreated me, my wife and my lil angel. What is their mistake, just that i brought them into this family.

It was too insulting for me. My father could have been more polite or calm.

My elder brother is so sarcastic in all his talks. I fail to understand is this pandemic my mistake ? Just coz i don’t have a job is my mistake,  i don’t have any house other than this is my mistake.  I just started my life and this pandemic happened.

I can’t take more. I am depressed and i feel bad for bringing prema into this family. I am her culprit. I cant even give my daughter the life she deserved. I am worthless. My father also confirmed this today that i am not good for anything. 

I am going to end my life. I am sorry prema . I am sorry my daughter.  Plz forgive me.

But how do i die. There is no way i can hang myself at home. I can’t even go to railway track. I know swimming can’t even drown.

Ok. I have  a plan. Father i forgive you. Your words were very harsh. I wish you could be more sensitive and instead of societal standards of success you could have appreicated my presence in your life.

Alright..i am sorry prema. 

It’s 1’0 clock in the night. I take a pen, paper, rope and a torch and i walk out of my house in the middle of the night.  I kiss my daughter and wife for the last time .

I am near the deep pond in my village. I write a suicide note blaming no one because what good that will generate. They all are my people.

I carefully place the suicide note stuck with the pen so that  wind should not take it away. I press my pen into the mud near the pond so that in the morning people can atleast find the note as i don’t want my family to suffer and get bothered where did i go.

With this note at least they will be able to find my body.

I love them, what if they couldn’t reciprocate it.

I now tie my legs and hands with rope. 

I am done and now i jump in that deep pond. 

I am drowning..i know how to swim but i am tied up…i have fond memories of taking bath in this pond when i was a kid..how much i enjoyed..i so much want to break this rope and swim freely but may be not in this life anymore..i will be free in another life to swin…

Water is getting into my nose and mouth…i am suffocated…I can’t even shout . Prema..plz forgive me for spoiling your life . I am sorry i am leaving you all alone with my lil angel.

I am sorry maa. You too couldn’t stand for me in front of your husband. 

I am now loosing consciousness…i am heavy, i am drowning….i can’t  breathe…

Thudddd….

.I m at the the bottom of the pond…i am dead…

A young life ended like this.

Can we be please more compassionate in this pandemic to people who have lost their job and hopes.

Can we as parents be more responsible towards our children.  They are not just here to support us financially. They too might be suffering, we need to understand them.

Depression is real. It’s not paagalpan. It’s  a disease just like any normal disease.  A treatment can help. 

This is a real story of my husband’s cousin who committed suicide three days ago due to pandemic and increasing financial burden and expectations. 

He was an intelligent and noble person who was lively and willing to learn new things. He was so concerned for his family that he left a suicide note, not blaming anyone,  so that his family doesn’t  get into any trouble and also they should not search for him recklessly here and there. 

I wish someone could understood him and had got him some medical help.  

Please this is a very tough time. 

 Be more kind and considerate for people around you.

You never know who is going through the toughest time. Be someone’s last hope if you can.

 Be a good listener. I am shattered by this tragedy. 

Everyone out there….plz understand this too shall pass..nothing is permanent…just don’t loose hope…this is just testing time. 

Plz pariwar look around for such souls who are affected and offer them your support so that no other Pranav goes to death.

Jai sri hari

 

 

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Shalini Pandey

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