This is my first post on this amazing forum or any forum for that matter. While not as profound or thought-provoking as many of you have written, I want to share my journey and how it took me close to a year to arrive at a simple truth that I had listened to countless times before.
As I struggled the past year through my academics and gruelling competitive exams (which of course most of my fellow students can relate to), the stress, the anxiety and all the other demons finally caught up to me. The feeling was strange and fearful. It turned into something ugly quickly, to a point where it started to affect me physically. The scars of those mental conflicts are still there, God knows for how long they’ll stay. But just like all pains, time and meditation have somewhat patched them up.
As I have seen through many discourses, books and other media, the practice of “Sankalpa” (for those who don’t know, the practice of making a vow to do or not do something) is a core of most spiritual practices. It brings me great happiness in telling you, that I have never missed a single day of meditation in the past 10 months. What started as a chore, has become an inextricable part of my routine, almost akin to breathing. What I couldn’t do for 5 minutes, now I can do for 20 minutes easily.
Yesterday, something stirred inside me though. The first signs of doubt, the first time my mind, in its grand calculus of infinite thoughts, threw a simple question at me— “Are you even making progress?” Now my answer was a resounding yes, but there was still a small sense of dilemma.
In my very limited time doing meditation I have discovered, that whenever the mind throws such unruly, unsettling questions, the conditioned mind deviates to something more pleasing. But the mind which is galvanised by meditation begs to contemplate. So that’s exactly what I did. Now I haven’t seen/experienced God. But as they say, at that moment, in that diminutive moment between thoughts where the mind is as calm as a lake during spring, came a (slightly) eye-opening realisation.
At this present moment, it did not question me. It did not judge me from my past mistakes(which I cannot fix, nor is it any use crying over it now), neither did it implore me to gaze upon an otherwise unpredictable future. It did not call my body beautiful or ugly, because just as this moment passes, so does the body. It did not ask me if I found divinity or not. It did not expect me to do anything. In the same way, it did not expect anything from the world. \
Impartial to all, benevolent to all, I was just… there. Just as the present did not judge me, in the same way, it didn’t judge anyone, anything from this marvellous creation. It simply loved me and loved this universe without a shred of partiality. And then I questioned, how is this different from God? In all our scriptures, The holy Bhagavad Gita tells the same to us. In innumerable discourses and a few books, I’m sure our saints have said the same. I genuinely feel the gravitas of Swamiji’s advice— “Find your own truth”.
I know, these might seem ramblings for someone, and please, feel free to correct me if you feel I’m wrong. I consider myself to be taking baby steps and all help will be appreciated. Thank you to everyone who has read till here.
Edit:- I cannot read comments right now, I guess I need to be a premium member. Even so, one day I will become a premium member and I’d love to read all the comments!