Divya Didi, this is for you 😀
Your recent post just bought back memories that I could no longer contain or may be he wanted me to write it for you 😉 . Even though I don’t yet know what happened later , I’d still want to write this. Thought of dropping in a comment but I knew it might go on for a while.
The first part of your post, about the heartbreak was heart wrenching and I could feel the pain as my own, all credit goes to your incredible story telling skills. I don’t know what actually happened and even If did I would not comment on it. what I am about to scribble down are my own feelings. Penning certain things down here was a bit difficult for me, but here it goes.
You see, when we hold a book too close to our eyes the words start to blur. Similarly when we are so much emotionally invested in someone or something, we stop realizing certain things. The heart wants what it wants , doesn’t it ? Loving someone deeply gives us the humongous strength to walk right into a burning building for them, even if it means burning our own skin down. Oh the insanity this love is! And when it walks out of our life the pain becomes more severe than anything we’ve come across. Like a drug addict in rehabilitation.
I might still be of a tender and immature age, but I’d seen, two men-my two superheros, the only two men I loved the most turning into strangers and well, monsters right before my eyes. Only because I failed in the expectations they had from me, they stopped looking at me like someone who has feelings. I was denied the basic human respect and was humiliated to every extent possible. I was a stupid kid though, tried attempting suicide when I was barely 17 years old to this planet, the reason was I had scored 2 marks less than what was expected of me. You realize the severity of my condition back then now, don’t you? I did it because my superhero had told me to die and that my future was of no use. It’s the sole reason for me being so extremely meticulous when it comes to academics. I behaved like a lab ape who has been trained. My mind was in a strange paradox. The people who I had looked upto were the same ones causing me this mind-numbing pain. In the book “children of tomorrow” about mindful parenting Swami has stated this particular condition with the comment “It’s very hard to save such a child” when a parent is the reason.Although I hope he never meant the things he said.
The other one left me for wanting to wait for a few more years before getting physically involved. I could clearly see the sheer stupidity of doing something like that during our college days. He was one of the most logical, intelligent people I’ve ever known. We both knew how purely we felt for each other But the coolness and pretense of college life does the job right !Though he did realize it the very next day, the damage was already done. The reason looked valid to me, the only thing that hurt me was the behavior after that. That cold-strange, non human behavior. Loving someone is accepting them for who they really are and respecting them for it.I was punished for being myself. Anyway, I held on till the date when I had no other choice , when holding on became synonymous to selling my soul. And I knew that it’ll be too late to rescue my self esteem if I did not take my stand now.
Coming back to Swami’s comment, He was right. Even if someone manages to come out from such an emotional mess in one piece, she no longer remains the same human who had gone in. Something in you gets damaged beyond repair, a part of your heart goes cold and numb. You start noticing this option to turn your humanity off and be done with it. You refuse to feel any emotion altogether. And that was what had happened with me, I had become so cold that I did not recognize myself. I felt so uncomfortable in this new-emotionless body. I even stopped hoping to get them back . I just prayed it to end. The only thing that I had hope in was the black shivlingam on my desk. I hoped the god to exist and prayed him to end my misery, not caring if it meant ending my life. It’s hard to pray to some invisible creature.
Like this sharp ray of sunlight that cuts through the dense forests, He made his entry like Rajnikanth ;P. He found the dark -deepest corner I was hiding in and invaded my life almost forcefully and sucked out all the poison after cracking my heart open. I tried to resist it so much because I did not want to make a fool of myself again but he was clever. He lured me like you lure a kid with candy. Only when I look back I realize how far I’ve come crawling on my four limbs and that I no longer want the candy, the only thing I want is the hand holding it.
Asking me “where is this god you talk about?”, is exactly like standing in the bedrock of an ocean and asking me where the water is. I see him like I see myself in the mirror. And I know this perception is hard but even if you can’t see it now take my words for it- My Shiva, well, Our Shiva ! (Sorry, the possessive lover woke up 😛 ) is more real than this universe. What we see now while looking around is the jewelry, he is the gold. Gold can exist without the Jewelry but vice-versa is not possible. And once you see it, you will never be able to un-see it. Not in this lifetime anyway. Singing and dancing and loving and joking with someone you see all the time is not hard, is it? (See, I am not a nutcase afterall :P)
Along with it comes the perception. The sight of reality and truth. The incredible understanding of life, something I am most thankful for. You realize that separation is not possible. Death and decay seem to have less effect on you, you start feeling pity for the people who hurt you. You start to wish that only if they could feel the bliss like you do. Just like a monster chasing you in real life is way different than it chasing you in a video game, life becomes way too less serious than it was. Negative situations stop holding you for long, you become that kid again who just laughs things off !. Don’t get me wrong, I still have many low moments but they can never get severe. The bliss you find in Bhakti is the mother of all good feelings. It’s getting totally drunk . He makes you realize your worth, how you should be treated and how you should treat someone else.
So, Divya ji, just know that he’s here, with you, watching you and loving you. Loving us all. He’s just enjoying the show, something we are yet to learn. Stay blessed in his grace 😀 Posting some of my favorite pictures in different bhavas for you 😀
The Cutie pie – The Mother
The cool friend 😛
Dedicated to and offered at the feet of my Divine 🙂 I promise you, that when all of this is over, your girl will still be the last woman standing and I know that you’ll be right behind me smiling.
Thank you for everything. I can’t love you enough.