It was love at first sight. I am not a guy who falls easily in love but here I was, living the experience myself. It felt amazing, falling. It was as if I had found the Divine itself. And the first thing that occured in my mind is how can I please my love? What is the best thing that I could offer to the person who filled my life with colours? I thought and thought and decided with much consideration that the best thing that I could provide my love was the union with the ultimate truth. But that would mean I had to tarnish my image that I had built and also it may destroy the present relationship. The person may never look at me in the same way again. I was in the crossroads, a decison had to be made, what to choose? The relationship with the person or the person’s ultimate well being. If I chose the latter, I have to be such kind of a personality whch will completely destroy the scope of a potential love affair and it may become impoosible to return the things as it were before. There would be respect for me but no love. I didn’t want respect, I wanted love. So I rushed to the one who has always been my savior, my best friend.
He was smiling. He already knew everything.
I said,irritated,”You are just having fun. My longing for this person is so strong. I don’t know what I will do? Please help me.”
He replied,”Shall I tell you what I do with the ones I love?”
I was very eager to know.
He said,”Anyone I see. Anyone who matters to me in some way. First thing I do is I build an altar for them. If one is a raging fire, it is one way. If one falls into another mode, it is another way. They could become my father, mother, brother, sister, friend or lover. That is completely their choice. But as far as I am concerned, I will build an altar of love around them. What they become to me, I leave it to them. You also do that. You built an altar for the person you love. But what the person becomes is left to the person itself. In what way the person wants to relate to you, you leave it to them.”
I said,desparately,”Oh that is very hard. If I do that I may not get my love.”
He replied,”See, that is the problem with you. You want to get them. They are not a thing. They are not something that you can possess. If you possess them like that, forcefully if you take them. Maybe you can take their body but you will never know the joy of being with another being. You will miss the whole point. So, you are just treating the person as a wayside fire to warm yourself for a few days. That is Adharma. That is unrighteousness. This is not the way. You are standing next to me. You are my aid in establishing this Dharma. Let it percolate into every aspect of your life. It is not about talking Dharma to others and we doing what we want with our lives. Let Dharma come into our life. Just build an altar and wait. Let us see which way the person goes. Once you built an altar around them, they arre your sacred fire. They will always warm you in some way. Because they are precious to you, in some way, they will be beautiful to you. In some way, they would be nice to you.”
I again nagged,”Oh this is so hard what you are saying. The solutions that you give are so hard. It takes life.”
He replied,” Yes, it is hard. To live by Dharma is hard. It is not easy life but it is a fullfilling life. It is very very fullfilling to live like this. I never said it is easy and above all, if you live like this, you can have many fires going in your life. Any number of fires going in your life which will keep you warm always in different dimensions. You can enjoy life in all dimensions. If you try to possess them, you will only know the physicality of them and nothing else..”
“Why do you have to give such hard solutions?After talking through and through for a considerable around of time. I replied to him,”Ok, i will wait.”
However before that, a thought lingered around my head. I told him in dismay,” I will take sannyas. I will go to Kailash and do tapa. I can’t take this person off my mind. And I don’t want to hurt the person as well. So, i will go away. I don’t want this materialistic life. I don’t want to look at another person. I am going away.”
He said,”Not everybody can stay away from the opposite and live a vigorous life. If you can stay away from them and live vigorously. Then it is very wonderful. There is nothing like that. But most people, if they stay away from the opposite one, they will become dead when they are alive. They only manage to avoid life. They will never manage to live life. If one can live life totally without the opposite. He is an established yogi. He is a true brahmachari. But if one stays away from the opposite and is unable to live his life, he avoids life, then he is no good. He has missed both the worlds. So you, you go to Kailash. The person will not fall off your mind They will come there too, to haunt you day and night. You must handle it here. No point running away.”
And he slowly turned me around and I took a vow.
I said,”I will keep away from my love. I will build an altar and wait. Whatever the person wishes, let it happen. And I will do what I think is best for my love’s ultimate well being. Let this become my Sadhana.”
And it was all that made the ultimate difference.