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I stood there, in front of the ocean, its menacing grin staring at me, urging me to jump. I wish I could. I don’t know why I exist on this earth anymore. What’s the point? I was bound to die someday. I could just speed the whole thing up. Nobody wants me here. I’m not meant to be here. I get flashbacks of the crash, my mother’s bloody face, and the screams of terror cutting through the forest. Tears start to stream down my pale face. The sky was a dim grey, and the whistles of the wind seemed to be taunting me.

What was the reason for my existence? I was just a waste of life. I should have died, not her. I stood on the rocks, the cold wind burning my face. The life was drained out of my eyes. I didn’t see myself anymore. When I look into my reflection, all I see is a stranger, a lost, abandoned one. Why did she leave me? What did I do wrong? I remember my bloody veil and wedding dress, and the shattered glass piercing my skin. I wanted to scream, but fear choked me. I wanted to cry, but the wind gagged me. I just sat there, shocked. Then she screamed. It was the last sound she made. The menacing grin of the ocean brought me back to the present. She used to love it here.

We would have spent hours just talking and gazing at the night sky. Now all I remember is her distorted and bruised face, screaming while I sat there in shock. Why didn’t I do anything? I could have saved her. She could still be here. It’s all my fault. I don’t deserve to be here. I don’t deserve anything. 

I felt my body sway as if the ocean was pulling me down. She was beautiful. Her ceramic face and her smile lit up the whole world. Her one wonky tooth which she always was embarrassed of. How her hair was perfectly placed without her even trying. How she smelt like lavender in the morning and honeydew in the evening. How when I would cry, she would hold me tight and say, “I will always be there for you, I promise.” But she broke her promise. 

She wasn’t there. She never will be. And you’re not supposed to break promises. My tears started streaming down and I breathed in the ocean air, salty and tangy. It filled my brain with fog and regret. Why. Why didn’t she keep her promise? My wedding is supposed to be a special day. Why did she leave me? I kicked my foot on a rock in frustration. It started to bleed. I didn’t even flinch. The ocean kept pulling me down. I bit my lip in frustration and anger. I looked at the scars on my arms. Dad.

He would drink. And drink. And drink. When I was little I used to play with the leftover bottles. One day he hit me with one of them. The glass broke onto the ground. Then she came. She picked me up and hugged me close. That night I heard some more glass break. She came into my room later that night with a bloody nose. I played with her hand for a while and suckled it until I had fallen asleep. I felt her tears on my forehead drop like rain, and soon they wouldn’t stop. All I could remember was my throbbing head. 

I jumped.

The ocean grasped me and it help me just like She did. I swirled into an endless whirlpool of fear. I felt my lungs collapse, and I got hit by a couple of rocks. One of my shoes came undone and I gasped for air. I saw a bit of red in the water. I saw my jet black hair swirl around furiously. Everything was frigid cold, and then everything became a hazy blur. I screamed into the water, and just like her, that was the last sound I ever made. 

The trees whistled, and the waves hit against the rocks. Leaves swirled around in a complex dance. Two butterflies danced with each other. A family came over to the beach. They set up a picnic on the rocks. A little girl played with the waves. And I, still swirling in the ocean, couldn’t feel my body. I was numb all over. I saw my entire life flash by. When he proposed, my wedding dress, the drive with her, my mother, and then, the crash. Everything was black now. There. I did it. I no longer belong to the world. I no longer belong to my mind. I let go. I felt no pain. I saw her, smiling, with her wonky tooth and all. She opened her arms and she grabbed me tight. She kept her promise. She was there. And I was home. 

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Payoja Verma

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