You spend your whole life not feeling you belong. Not with family, friends, or in relationships. You feel that you are constantly being judged, are an outcast, are over looked and frankly, used.
When you start your journey you have to come face to face with all the things that ripped your heart apart, all the while you never let it break you.
You also learn things about yourself, like pushing people beyond their limits in a fast pace, not realizing that this is self sabotaging behavior. All so you can confirm to yourself they were up to no good anyway.
You go above and beyond to make sure you’re nothing like the person that raised you, but not realizing you are exactly like the one who left you.
Not that it’s a completely bad thing. My dad is a hard worker, kind hearted, all around good person but he neglected a very valuable part of his life, ME.
Yet, he made room for more children and a new wife. I’m perfectly ok with that. What I wasn’t ok with was never being included and if I was, it felt forced.
Every single one admits they knew I was abused physically, emotionally, and sexually by my mother. Yet they did nothing about it
Maybe they didn’t know everything but they knew enough.
When you awaken, you realize not everyone is meant to be in your life no matter the connection. You need people to judge you for your character and moral compass that you’ve shown to them repeatedly, but they look past. Because they only see in your face, your mother and her bad behavioral ways.
Most of my childhood and young adult life, I was angry and bitter. I felt entitled and I had a constant struggle within me that many will never understand.
But throughout it all as I was repeatedly kicked and knocked down, every single time I got up on my own. I fought my demons and I never gave them the satisfaction of defeating me.
They may have won a few battles but I will always win the war.
So, on the other side of awakening you find the person who has been there through it all, never judging your past never giving up on you and that person was myself.
I needed to love and value me as much as I was trying to make others love me.