Love to me appears as if it means to cling to people – to a friend, classmate, boyfriend ( Mumma I don’t have a boyfriend, I promise ).
And then wanting them to cling back. But this is not love, love is different, it suffocates when I cling, it take an ugly turn, I feel.
The other day I was just painting rubbish on white paper to cultivate my creativity, it was a bad painting, but it made me feel good about myself. I felt as if I was being creative and a sense of liking myself developed within me. I felt I was complete- just by drawing a bad painting.
I think I ( maybe we ) have a long way to go, there is a lot of work left to be done. For how long will I cling to people to love me? They might love me today, tomorrow their priorities will change and so will their feelings, as well as their mood. They might go on to love someone else or something else. If this goes on, my entire life I would be running behind others for their validation.
The entire concept of love has to change. It’s not seeking validation from the outside, it’s maybe about validating your rubbish painting and feeling loved by yourself for it.
Am I making sense to you? I don’t know.
I have made it a point to not seek or desire anything from anyone. ( this is hard when you are young, there are so many cute guys all around you, haha my mother is going to kill me today.)