Preface

Hello, I belong to India, my 20’s has just started and I completed my under graduation this year. ‘A seasoned Day-Dreamer’ explains me best !

os.me presented a #TheWriteChoice challenge where we have to write a post on the theme ‘Acceptance’. Now, I have some personal experiences to share (Don’t know if they should be called ‘Acceptance’ … you comment) and os.me community feels nice to share with. 🙂

Two parts in my story : My Studies & My Crush/Love. First their Prologue (background) then Epilogue (the point of change).

Prologue

Studies

From childhood I have been a good student. Almost always been the topper of my class. Three marks less than full and I would feel bad, Five marks less and it seemed like I have committed a crime. Grade ‘B’ felt like a black spot on my character. I was the go to boy to solve homework/classwork problems. Teachers always kept high expectations and gave special attention and perks to me 😉 . Relatives used to give my example to their children (my cousins) that “Bhaiyaa ke jaise bano, dekho padhai me kitne ache hai!”. For Neighbours and Friend’s parents I was like sharmaji ka beta. For me, being good at academics was the only worthy thing that I could gift my parents, since that is what they actively asked from me. My father used to took me to visit great universities, institutes, colleges, research centres… and expressed desire that I too shall someday study there. He often used bring me encyclopedias, books to gain outside knowledge. Mom was just fine.

Everything was well. Now came my first day of judgement – 10th Boards (Bachpan se sun sun ke kaan pe kide pad gaye the ki dasvi me aacche marks nahi aye to science nahi milega, aur since nhi milega toh life khatam). Guess what ? I did fantastic. Got above 95%, plus a handsome scholarship. A merit certificate in front of whole school. A picture with principle. (22 se 56 inch ka chaati ho gya tha ! Guinness walo ko bula lete to ek record ban hi jata). Teachers proud, parents happy.. News of result spread like wildfire. “I am the best”. I was basking in full glory …..

My Crush/Love 

Rewind few years back. We got transferred to a new town when I was in 6th standard, so new school. Parents arranged a pool car for me to go to school and in that pool car I first met her. She was one year senior than me (is that a problem ?), studying in 7th standard. She was sweet, jolly and full of life. She had braces on her teeth, and I kinda found it cute (crazy me!). She had shiny pitch black hair and donned a thick braid, it looked regal.

It was not a love at first sight. It was after over one year that feelings towards her started developing. Being a introvert and quite guy, very rarely I used to get out of my class, even during recess and games period I preferred staying back in class, so was she. So, the only time I could see her / be in vicinity of her, was in the car, two times a day and I cherished those moments.

In the morning, when the car would be approaching her home and I could see her from a distance, standing with her dad. I would set my hair, set the collar, wet my lips, adjust the bag I was holding on my lap and sit straight (Perfect gentleman). I don’t know if others in the car noticed my antics. Next big thing was, I hoped she sit beside me. One thing was that she preferred to sit on left side of middle row. So, if those who got picked up before me didn’t sit there, it was a lucky day. I would take the leftmost position and on those days only I could have her beside me.  Throughout the journey I would listen to her stories, gossips, problems… as she discussed with her friends.

I used to dream a lot about her, many finding inspiration from love stories in Hindu mythology as I read in  ‘Amar Chitra Katha’ comics. I also made up a love-name for her:

‘Sri’

Another day it so happened that our tires punctured a little before reaching the school. So we all started walking. The school was across a highway. When I was about to cross, she held my hand and took me across. That was her first touch ! Sparks ignited throughout my whole body (it was like, someone has fixed Iron Man’s arc reactor in my heart), I was in trance (Thank god! I didn’t fall unconscious). There were many more memorable moments….

Now, when she reached 11th standard she left the car and took to cycling. That created a distance. Still sometimes our paths crossed and I could see her. That’s how things went (fine) till the end of my 11th standard, her’s was end of 12th. Which meant I would no longer see her.  By now you must have understood it was an one-sided love. I never had the confidence to propose her.

Swamiji, in his memoir mentioned about a bird. And I find an uncanny resemblance between me and the bird. Here is the excerpt :

You would think that living in an isolated mountain abode, miles away from habitation, I would find the deepest silence. Yes and no. … Most notable were the birds. They would chirp for hours every night; I presume they were attracting the females. One poor male would sing continuously for 20–30 minutes, take a break of a few seconds and call out again with the same fervour. … Only, their loud noises were a great distraction in my meditation. Imagine you are trying to concentrate in the deafening silence of the night in the snowy Himalayan forests, and a bird starts to make a sound: ‘Tnk, tnk, tnk, tnk, tnk, tnk …’ I even found myself praying sometimes, ‘O Lord, if you exist, please send this fellow a companion. Have mercy on him. He’s desperate.’

Epilogue

Studies

Due to this whole attention and appreciation I used to get, I kinda felt like celebrity and had developed a Superiority-Over Confident-I am the best attitude. Full vanity.I equated my ego, my self-worth, my self-respect with my academics. Loathed back-benchers and low-scorers as some backwards. Felt strong jealousy if someone did better or got appreciated other than me. I didn’t share my knowledge with others. Kept important information and tips to myself only.

Now, there was a long dormant problem regarding my studies. I never revised nor practised my subjects daily. I would just thoroughly go through chapters only once, understand the concepts, solve few problems and chapter close. Few days before exam I shall revise them and give exams. This was OK til the syllabus was short. When I reached higher secondary, things started spiralling down. New teachers, new subjects (Physics, Chemistry, …), new way of understanding, new symbols-formulas and a greater syllabus. Upon that there was a pressure of JEEs. I took a larger aim than I could handle. I was hoping through multiple reference books, study materials…. without any routine or organisation, added to that I was never good at making notes. So, before exam I used to be in trouble – I needed to revise so many things but didn’t know where and how to start/end. My willpower was so bad that I could never change myself even after knowing the shortcomings. And my marks just went on downgrading. 

Since, my close friends chose different stream, they were not with me. Others were from different sections so they didn’t knew me. Teachers were new so neither they knew me much. Once in forefront now I have kind of become invisible. I was no more the go to boy to solve problems. No special attention nor expectations from teachers. No more discussions about me. Even failed in some internal exams (humilation). Parent-Teachers meeting became a nightmare. 

I started reaching school late (one day, the gatekeeper made a complaint to principal and class teacher, another humiliation), thereafter I almost stopped going to school. Stopped going to tuition classes (added fuel to fire). This caused my attendance to go below 75%. Now, I was asked to submit medical certificate… my dad arranged me one. This was the worst humiliation ever, I felt like a scumbag and wanted to die. At the end of 12th when everyone was studying at home, I alone had to go to school for attendance and extra classes. I became special but in different way. 

Once loathed, now I myself had become the low-scorer back-bencher. My cousins are no longer told to be like me. Parents kept a gloomy appearance. I hid from guests, what if they ask about my progress? Everyday seemed like a humiliation. I was hurting my parents, breaking hopes of my loved ones (grandma, grandpa and aunts) and childhood teachers with whom I still had contacts. My ego and confidence were shredded to pieces. Many a nights I would spend crying. I became bitter, depressed and short-tempered. Started behaving rudely with my parents.

Now, the second day of judgement came, 12th boards. Now, I was deliberately trying to not sit in the exams, so that next year I could do better. But, parents didn’t support (thank god they didn’t support). I got 70% up. I was thankful I didn’t fail. But, my parents were shy to share my marks. Whenever someone asked my marks they would give some round figure so that it sounded good. There was a hearsay that earlier I used to get good marks by buttering teachers !

Obviously I couldn’t crack JEE. All my friends did ! Some even cracked NEET and KVPY. I was jealous. Nonetheless I didn’t drop the year and got admission into a good science college in a stream of my choice. 

Acceptance 

Graduation years were the time of my transformations. I stopped taking appreciations to my head. Accepted myself. Academics are no longer my source of ego and self-worth. I see it as a hobby, a tool for my survival and a tool to serve the world. I have done well in my graduation with overall 85% marks. I no longer try to get validation of myself from the society. I no longer try to compete with my peers nor look down at those who are poor at academics rather I try to help them and share everything with them. 

My Crush/Love

At backdrop of the situation in 12th standard, she came over my mind. Now she was like ‘doobte hue ko tinke ka sahara’. At this moment it dawned upon me, why did I never thought of proposing her ? I was just happy seeing her. But now there was no more scope. With such marks how would I stand before her ? Nonetheless, I tried to get in contact of her. During this process, a bomb dropped on my head. I got to knew that she was a promiscuous girl ! (more on this in notes.)

An excruciating pain engulfed my whole being. Imagining my love with someone else and that too so intimate was out of my imagination. I couldn’t accept that. This further silenced me. Whenever I remembered the incident my chest would felt tight. And I cried more. I never thought of her in that way, not even an iota. I always imagined her like a little Lakshmi (something like Bala Tripurasundari). One of my greatest dream/desire (of 6 years) came crashing down. My idea of love-n-romance was based on foundation of absolute mutual exclusivity. I wanted that my other half should have one and only me in her heart. And now I understood that no amount of work was gonna fulfil the dream since it was not only in my hand, it depended on her.

Another thing, I used to watched porn and it further screwed my imagination. I didn’t apprehend that porns are gonna haunt me in this way. I began to brood over things like my wife’s past, what if she cheats … Now, promiscuity, cheating, extra-martial affairs, virginity … these became my hot topics. 

But I don’t know why, that didn’t caused me to hate her, though I was absolutely upset. After all she is a good person, didn’t commit any crime nor did she hurt anyone. So, I started to contemplate on these matters and started to transform my thinking. It was a long process. 

Acceptance

Sex is absolutely normal thing. When she reached her adolescence, and nature gave her those amorous feelings, it didn’t came with my name written on it. Neither did she came into existence with my name written on her consciousness. Consensual sex is like any other activity, comparable to children playing games. There is only exchange of happiness, so why should I despise it.

I haven’t completely changed. If my other half has any sexual past or cheats on me, I won’t say – Wow! Great job! Rather I would like to politely express my desire and ask her If she can do a little penance (tapas) to control herself, for me.  I would try to see the situation from a parent’s point of view.

I can not absolutely blame her for her likes and dislike. What she loves today may not love tomorrow. I don’t expect her to be a yogi who has her mind under her control and direction.

Now, I am kind of virgin, and as an aftermath of this, I am more determined to keep my virginity for my wife. What if she has the same mentality as I had ? I don’t want her to go through this whole emotional trauma.

Notes

  • I am much calm now.
  • Later I got to know that she was not promiscuous. (But, jo hua shayad accha hi hua)
  • My mom has supported me throughout the time with her love and few beatings.
  • I ain’t a saint either ! I too have flirted with my classmates.
  • Discovered Om Swamiji on youtube. He was my prime guide during these time. I love him.
  • I don’t have any subscription, so maybe I cannot see the comments, if any.

Thank you. For bearing with me. 

:-))