“What do You have enough of?” Medha asked as she detailed a writing exercise for us. “Can you describe it in a word, a sentence, a paragraph?”
I wondered if there really was anything I had enough of?
“Money? Clothes? Friends?” Sure I have enough but won’t mind more either. Pain? Maybe, but even that teaches me.”
Then, I remembered the night before and I had my answer.
Word – Ego
Sentence – I have more than enough ego and that is what keeps me from achieving my dreams.
“Is my fear actually my ego? Have I been suffering under the illusion of false humility?” rose the thought just as I was slipping into sleep. I have always considered myself fairly grounded and reasonably humble. But as I ruminated on this strange thought, it occurred to me that perhaps my fears and angst are not a gift the world has given to me but rather the working of my ego. My fear of being found lacking, of looking like a fool are the fears of my ego. After all in the absence of this ego there would be surrender. An acceptance of myself as an imperfect human being; a work in progress. Is it not my ego that demands perfection? That demands I always be right? What a frightening thought but perhaps, also the tunnel to clarity? For too long I had struggled to act, wallowing in procrastination and self pity. I had blamed my changed circumstances and the people around me for my unhealthy choices and the changes in my personality. I saw my story as the story of a rock chiselled away by the flowing water…bit by bit, the happy parts of my soul had been chiselled away by the people around me to leave behind an unsure, unhappy soul. I thought I had lost confidence, and self esteem and was pained at my inability to take consistent action. But now I realise that my pain is self created. The pain is my ego that demands perfection and a tyrannical conformity to being right. If I can release my ego, I can live again, as I once did.