Your article, Saying Yes to Life, Saying Yes to Life, brought tears to my eyes……somewhere you touched a very deep chord.
I turn back the pages of my life (so many pages) and reflect on how I have treated my life. The realization that I have not given Life its due respect, hurts. But when did this happen?
Of my childhood, I remember that overall it was happy, secure and well balanced between freedom and discipline.
There were not many choices to be made on a deep level.
Growing into adulthood, my heart led me into romance and marriage….and that’s when choices had to be made.
And conflicts arose. For the first time, I wondered why my parents, who gave me the freedom of speech, now told me to keep my mouth shut and obey my new family. No matter what, just say “Haan ji”, and I obeyed dutifully. If the food was too spicy, I just poured some water into it, and ate it, just fine. And so I gulped down every situation, every day, and said it was all “Fine”.
It was but natural then to retreat into silence, as there was fear of saying the “wrong” things. It was also natural to isolate oneself by escaping into housework or looking after the children so as to distance oneself to feel safe. Those little voices of desire (no matter how simple) and opinion (did I really need one?) slowly shut up. And those dreams…..they evaporated. And it was all “Fine”. Isn’t one meant to live in silence?
Some years ago, thanks to the guidance of many Masters, I managed to find a bit of myself and some free thoughts started flowing. Giving expression to these was and still is hard…especially being vocal.
So: The questions are:
Is it wrong to have kept quiet, when I felt wronged? This was the more peaceful approach.
Is it wrong to bury my desires because you feel that “do these things really matter in the larger picture”?
Is it wrong to have ignored personal ambitions because the family may be neglected?
Is it wrong to have forgotten “Me” because everyone else comes before? Duty.
Somewhere a voice tells me that it was wrong because I am left with a feeling of “I wish”, and these are regrets. Not healthy. And yet, I did what was my Duty, as expected of me.
I have to search for that real Me so I can become an honest person and free myself. Have I been living a Lie? As you say, Swamiji, the answer could be in thinking less and just living fully from moment to moment.
What is Life?
the blows hollow
little shattered bits?