Disclaimer: For people below 18 discretion is advised, as the post contains my struggles with addiction.

The day my ruin started was like any other day. I went to college in the morning, attended classes with half my attention came back and went to my room. Something overpowered me that day and it was as if my body was being moved by another being. That was my first ever experience of self-pleasure and I couldn’t believe that the human body was capable of experiencing such a good feeling(that of an orgasm).

I didn’t think much of it later except that I felt compelled to replicate it the very next day. Soon I started watching softcore content to “turn myself on” and push my body over the edge.

The problem with all this was that since college was over and I was full-time at home now supposed to study for govt. Job exams this tendency hampered my studies. I was into this thing a little too much. When it comes to self-pleasure it’s hard to decipher how much is too much but when it’s more than 6 times a day you know it’s too much, when it hampers your daily life you know it’s too much when it is something completely out of control you know it’s too much.

Months passed like this where my studies suffered tremendously and I just didn’t know who to turn to. Ours was a family where we were supposed to act like we don’t have hormones at all esp telling parents or even siblings was out of the question. I turned to online chatting just to get some solace and consolation, even that sometimes would turn into adult talk and mostly horny people came to chat rooms so that added fuel to fire. I was starting to hate myself and would cry incessantly sometimes alone just by thinking about my condition.

If today this happened, the first thing I’d do is seek professional help via counselling but back then it wasn’t so mainstream and I didn’t even know what counselling it. This personal hell inside my head was here to stay. 

Update: Part 2, here.

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Neha Singh

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