Please read Part 1 here
It’s around mid of July when stepping outside could cause fumes to rise from our heads in north India. Two of my nephews are playing with some toys in the corner of my room without a care in the world bit I cant wait for them to get out and shut my door. I feel deep sense of shame and guilt for thinking this way but feel compelled to hasten their departure. They didn’t budge however so maintaining some distance and switching my laptop to zero volume I turned on some pornography.
Rest is self explanatory, the whole experience lasted less than 10 minutes but it eats away at my soul to this day. If I could go that low what else could I do? Did I have no limits , was I beyond repair by now? This was at the time when I had been struggling with pornography for around 6 months everyday was torture and my only respite was the coaching centre where I could stay away from the dark bloody dungeon of my mind fir atleast a few hours. Studying was still a huge struggle and everytime I’d watch something I had to spend atleast next half an hour in trying to reduce the guilt. I’d read articles on how masturbation was healthy knowing what I was going through wasn’t healthy by any means.
To escape all this I started studying in a relative places nearby but there as well many times I’d not be able to resist. I made reading books as my coping mechanism and read conversations with god, Brian Weiss books , om swamiji’s books around that time. They did offer some hope but no permanent relief, even reading these books took a lot of focus as I’d feel like I’m away from my body multiple times a day.
I devoured osho’s free content regarding the subject and found some solace which lasted not more than 1-2 hours. In front of my parents I was a sincere child who was focused on competitive exams but inside my head I was in purgatory. Those days many times I felt low and cried even without any specific reason and tried to not be alone as much as possible but because I had to study I had to be alone most of the time. I read up on tratak meditation which was supposed to improve concentration so I could focus better which didn’t lead to much success as I wasn’t able to focus on even that. I even consulted an astrologer to know why everything in my life is going down the gutter(or so I thought). I gave serious thought to not living anymore but voluntary suicide was too much to handle. I was not afraid to die as such but I wanted it to be sudden quick and painless so I’d pray for that to god but that relief never came.
Now when I think about my condition I know I had depression as well. I didn’t have a sense of body sometimes and it was as if I am outside my own body, it was not in some wonderful spiritual sense of the term I just could not feel my existence and like real me is elsewhere. Speaking of the astrologer he gave no respite whatsoever, not that I believe in such things too much now after swami ji threw light on the subject , he gave all the negative analysis taking about some rahu dasha and shani sadhesati peak coinciding together. He also gave some expensive remedies which I did but not much came of that.
I wish I could talk about the “solutions” which I used to get out of the situation at that time but the thing about depressive episode is I no longer wanted to get better I just wanted to crease to exist. Today after around 4-5 years of the dreadful time I am no longer dealing with any addiction but still afraid of intimacy because I feel like I might fall into the same pit again.
Life was on slow motion and one day truly felt like one year. Slowly however things did take a positive turn, more on that next time.
Update: Part 3, here.