This is my final post for this particular series. In this one I just wanted to briefly explain what all I did to get rid of the things that I went through although one post may not be sufficient for that because my problems are far wider than just a pornographic addiction, in fact that was just surface level issue. It was merely a symptom of all the pain, insecurities, torment and trauma that I was holding  inside of me.
Whenever we recollect past events we usually tell these stories to ourselves these narratives and the tone of the narrative decides how you feel about the situations. If the real situation no longer exists and our memory is also not a very reliable tool . There are times when we may exaggerate or undermine the actual trauma that we went through, there are times when we just bury it under the surface and pretend nothing happened. My coping mechanism with the struggle that I had with my family( and by struggle I mean constant yelling, shouting, verbal abuse apart from physical abuse everything was there: all kinds of restrictions we couldn’t do anything around the house. I mean we couldn’t go out. we obviously could not get involved in relationships. We were not supposed to talk to boys, we were not supposed to have on hobbies, we were not supposed to take any extra curricular classes, we were supposed to dress a certain way, we were supposed to talk a certain way and my siblings used to fight a lot among themselves and my brother has always been overly dominating) there are far too many events to go into details here but one example should suffice. Once I was studying in my room and I had a habit of studying loudly always I used to recite my lessons into this phone recorder that I had. I didn’t really listen to them back but the idea was that saying it out loud would help me remember later. I was doing it inside a closed room so my brother may have overheard a few words from outside so to sneak on me and to make sure I am not secretly having some affair with some guy he suddenly opened the window of the room that gave me a sort of a whiplash I didn’t know what he was doing but while leaving he ” if I at all you get involved in anything that you know you are not supposed to get involved in we are simply going to kill you we will not tolerate such dishonor”. I don’t remember his exact words but more or less this is what he said. he was always insecure and controlling and my parents did nothing to make the situation better most of the time they supported him because he is the only male child in the family who came after many girls and got an edge. I was at a place where if a girl is having an affair she actually becomes victim of honour killing. Over time these incidents kept building up one on top of another and took a toll on me and I can’t even say that these incidents are the reason why I became an addict I also fins it hard pinpoint the exact reason.
For the pornography part what helped the most is a prolonged therapy and that is still going on( on and off ) but for different issues now.
I also used this method by dandapani where in a YouTube video he explains how to get rid of past trauma by writing things down on a piece of paper and then later on burning the paper.
I also did dynamic meditation as taught by Osho because that is supposed to help us get rid of past emotional negative experiences. Overall therapy, exercise, writing, dynamic meditation, regular meditation as taught by swamiji in kundalini sadhna.
Swamiji has taught that to get rid of addictions one should meditate on Swadishthana chakra and this virtual course is highly recommended it was worth every penny.
All this led to a situation where today I’m in a better place but I am far from healed my struggle with my family is still ongoing and I will continue to work on my issues.
I addition to pornography addiction I have also battled with pcod, hirsutism , image issues and encountered violence which left trauma but more on that in separate posts.
Wish you well, you matter in this world.

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Neha Singh

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