Jai Sri Hari dear osme family. Today I want to convey somethings to the universe, and my Isth using this platform. I have been thinking about it for some time and now the time has come.
I have suffered so much in the last quarter of my life that I have lost count of the times I have cried in agony. I want to cease this suffering. I want to grow, grow wings, and fly out of the misery into the bright sunshine. I do not want my past to define who I am.
I want to convey to the universe that ‘Hey universe! Give me another chance. Give me another chance to mend my mistakes. Give me another chance to shed my past. Give me another chance to get over my sins and good deeds and start anew. Give me another chance to let go off my failures and successes and start fresh. Give me another chance to heal myself. Give me another chance to be happy and content. Hey Universe! Give me another chance!’
I want to start anew. And this post is a testimony to that that I will try again, grow again, let go and move on from bad thoughts and emotions that bind me in a treacherous loop, and I will outgrow them and shine. This is also my promise to the universe.
Somewhere we are all blank to what life is all about. Somewhere we all are suffering. But we can choose to fill the void with light and shine. We can start again. Until the final rest, that is of death, there is no final resting place of the mind. The turning point that we all seek can come anytime, on the day we start to choose it.
I choose it now. I want to be the new Nalin who understands his past, understands he was in pain and suffering, understands things that are in his control and things that are not, understands what needs to be done and what his dharma is.
The new Nalin understands that he did some mistakes in the past for which he is sorry, and that he is flawed yet complete. He understands that there are some issues in his life, personality and habits which he needs to tackle responsibly and is willing to do all that it takes to tread the road to a better future. He understands that not all good things can happen to him and not all bad things happen to him. The new Nalin is willing to work hard to make a good life for himself.
He also has a bad habit which he acquired in his days when his mental and emotional health was severely affected and that habit is of smoking. He enjoys smoking which is bad for his lungs. Whenever he is under any stress all he can remember is his little cigarette. He enjoys it and that is the big problem. But he will try to do bring that to a bare minimum for the starters if not to totally stopping it. And then maybe he will get the courage to totally leave it.
The new Nalin is surrendered to Swamiji and his Isht. He has shed even his most inexplicable fears and surrendered them to the Divine. He has also stopped worrying too much about things that are not in his control and channelized that worry to a more uplifting life in seva of all beings who are none other than Sri Hari Bhagwan in disguise.
He understands that he has to be responsible towards his parents and family and has to look after them. And to look after them he has to look after himself. And to do that he has to outgrow his past, his limitations, his imaginative and sometimes paradoxical fears, his paranoia, his obsession, anxiety and depression and all his weaknesses. With the grace of Swamiji it is possible and he will make it possible. His responsibility is his escape velocity out of the massive ball of anxiety that tries to bind him down.
He does not wish to argue with his parents like he used to. Even if parents are wrong sometimes, there is no use in arguing with them. Its better to just listen or walk out of the convo. And he has made a promise to himself that he will try not argue with them. It is not easy but he will do his best, as mindfully as he can do it.
He understands that to be in his top mental and physical health he has to exercise and meditate. That is the key for a healthy lifestyle and the key out of all mental and physical illnesses. He has been a bit lazy all these years and has always been overweight, currently weighing at 85kgs. But now he is willing to work on his body through exercise and sports, and mind through black lotus and meditation.
The new Nalin understands that he has to make a career for himself and for that he has to study and study hard. Although, he has not worked hard for past many years, due to his own laziness and all his mental, emotional and exterior troubles and has lost the habit of working hard in studies, he still wants to do that. He wants to work hard because that’s the only way he can have a good profession.
So now Nalin is changing. He is transforming. He is metamorphosing not into a spider like in Franz Kafka’s Metamorphosis, but into a better version of himself, who is not bogged out of his personal limitations anymore. He is transforming like a caterpillar turns into a butterfly ready to fly.
All this that I have written down is not easy to follow always. Sometimes the daunting feeling of hollowness in my heart takes over. Sometimes the nervous or anxious mind takes away my peace. Sometimes everything is fine but still it feels as if there is something missing and sometimes, I mess up things really bad. But I have to do what I have said I will do. I may falter sometimes but I will rise again. Problems will be there but I will overcome them sensibly. I have Swamiji and Sri Hari Bhagwaan with me.
So now, as soon as this post ends, I am that new Nalin to the world and to myself. I will try my best to keep being this new Nalin. I want to humbly tell the Universe that I am positively ready for a new innings of my life.
Pic credit- Creation of universe by Bill Bell