Taking a vow, a strong determined sankalpa – is it a very big deal, I ask myself. Why am I not confident enough to take any vow, I wonder.
Till date am unable to take an early bath. Am unable to fix a time for nitya karm. Am unable to do a ritualistic pooja. Am not able to do any sadhna also.
Then what do I do?
Well, its just remembering Almighty…. remembering Him most of the time, even in washroom. Its just chanting the holy names every now and then, without any disciplined routine. Its reading Lalitasahastranama, sometimes complete but mostly going with bhaava and leaving in between as and when focus gets diluted. Its reading Swamiji’s posts, interactions at this platform and watching Youtube videos, mostly on spiritual talks, bhajans, and places of pilgrimage. As also a daily visit to my virtual temple, my place of doing pooja-path and that is – Black Lotus app. Even if bhaav is lacking some day due to some mundane chaos, still I visit the app and always come out in a better, peaceful mental state.
I do feel a sense of joy, sometimes leading to a blissful condition, while I do what I do, as shared above.
The only new development is – a sense of dissatisfaction , a constant nagging feeling that am NOT doing enough. A yearning to exert myself. A thirst. A constant demand surfacing from the deep recesses of heart to act, to walk at brisk pace, to develop discipline.
Swamiji is the swami of such a magnanimous heart that he has not put even the slightest binding on us while giving diksha. As if the whole sky is our playground. One may fly as high as one wants. 🙇🏼♀️
When student like me is given liberty to walk at its own pace, my innate tendencies of lethargy, take it easy attitude, remain a dominating factor. Fortunately now I have sufficient time at my disposal when compared to past 3 years of pain. I sincerely want to see myself exerting a bit harder, utilising this time-opportunity optimally and put in my best. But, What’s that best, I ask myself?
Am I not prepared yet!!!
Am sharing myself here as I don’t know of any other channel to outpour, to ask for help, guidance, to seek directions. 🙇🏼♀️🙇🏼♀️
Jai Shri Hari🌹