I listened to all this helplessly.I felt giddy,and became un-conscious and fell at his feet.
After a long time, when I got up I was trembling.I thought this soul was a burden on me,and it will be difficult for me to bear this burden.But since the beloved had said all this, there must be something good in it.But still I felt afraid.Till now,I was making merry and living a happy and luxurious life.Are all these pleasures not mine?Oh ! my heart sinks.The deer in the forest, the flowing streams,the circle of friends,the horses,the bows and arrows, waiting parents, people bowing down to me,the whole world.Is this all for my body?When I am not body, then,all these things that my body likes not mine?Are they superficial? Oh ! Lord,if I am a soul, then I am alone.Loneliness came to the forefront in my mind.I was always so busy in the pleasures of the world that I didn’t know there was anything else beyond.
After listening to the handsome man, loneliness surrounded my mind.The thought of loneliness scared me.I could not see anything.My heart throbbed.I felt horrified.I cried and wailed.I should not be a soul.The more I felt frightened the lonelier I felt.I was at a breaking point.
After a long time my eyes opened
I wanted to get up but how could I?
My legs that were used to run around all the time forgot to move.It came to my mind then,that I have shot at the handsome man and have sinned.He has given me a punishment.He has made me alone.Now,I will be in suffering all the time, since I am alone.Nobody is mine,and I am alone.How will I pass my days?How will I pass my nights ? When nobody is mine,how will I get comfort from anyone?
Again he says,give comfort to others and not to get comfort from others.What impossible he talks.When the body is not mine,then what can I give to anyone? When one has something,then only one shares with others.When I do not have anything,what will I share with others ?
At this moment, I saw darkness in my eyes,and everything vanished.I was alone in the darkness.I got so scared that the whole palace resounded with the echo of my shrieks.My mother came running and put me in her lap.
She kissed my forehead,wiped my eyes,loved me,but still my heart did not stop throbbing.My mother could listen to the throbbing of my heart.My mother washed my face,made me drink water and asked:What has happened?
I opened my eyes and said: Mother you leave me.You are not mine,and I am not to get comfort from you.
Mother asked: why?
I told her: I am not a body.I am a soul and therefore I am alone.I am scared of this loneliness.This loneliness will eat me up.Mother, you go and sleep.The handsome man has given me punishment.I am scared of this loneliness.This is eating me up.You go.I will tell the handsome man to pierce the arrow in my body.I am prepared to die like this,but becoming a soul and being killed by loneliness is a great suffering that I can’t bear.
On hearing this,my mother got furious.She said: This man is frightening my daughter,and will kill her by frightening her.I will get him buried in the cemetery in no time.
On listening to my mother, I fell at her feet and said : Mother, don’t sin any more.I have sinned and I shall bear the consequences.This is what the pandit used to tell.Then,why do you want to make him suffer more? I have already made him suffer and I have got the fruit of my sin.You go and rest.Mother didn’t go.Finally,I told her that if you do any harm to this man,then ‘I will pierce the arrow in my body and die.’
Then only,my mother went,but in anger.
Now , I was sitting and thinking: I am a soul and alone.Then, I remembered that the beloved had also said something more.He had said:you are high.
The mountain peak is high,but that also is alone.The clouds are high,but they are also alone.The sun is high,but it is also alone.If I am high,even then I am alone.O,what should I do?I am scared of this loneliness.
He had said: you are a soul.That’s why I have made my mother angry.
He had said: You are without wants.Be without wants and be without desires.
But I require food.How can I remain without desire for food?
If nobody is mine, then from where shall I get food? Please, somebody come to my rescue.I should not be a soul.I will comfort to others.I will cook my own food.I will draw water from the well myself.I will make my bed myself.I will wash my clothes myself.But how will I do all these things when I am not a body? These are the jobs of the body.
I am a soul separated from everyone.Separated from my body.I am alone.This loneliness will eat me up,and I will die.
My mind was drowning in these thoughts,then the handsome man opened his eyes and smiled.
To be continued….