I offer my obeisance to you Rev. Sri. Om Swamiji🙏🕉

“ Listen to the silence , it has so much to say. It’s a beautiful quote by Rumi. And today I yet again feel and hear the Silence of my inner child needing to express .

I humbly offer this heartfelt post to Mother Divine as it’s healed me whilst I was penning it down.

Past month many of my dear ones, with whom I had not met for years, surprisingly  got back to me , which has been very heart warming. At a stage, now that I look  back, I wonder why I distanced myself from them and vice versa. My Aunt ( from my maternal side) , my Aunt and Uncle ( from my paternal side) , my dear cousins ( from my paternal and maternal side)all getting back after ages,  the reason surely is bigger for the purpose of my Soul.

I take this liberty today, humbly bowing down to my late Parents, my Grandparents, my Uncles and Aunts, for I have been witness to certain incidents as a child, which made me intensely thoughtful from inside. It might appear very minute to many, as in families such incidents are frequent. But unknowingly incidents good or not so good keep storing themselves subtly as frequencies in our very being as reminders or triggers.

I was around 6 years of age when I witnessed the anger of my father, which he vented out just a few times on his sister, and then my maternal Granny. Though he was a gem of a person, but just these couple of incidents ,  did give rise to an emotion of shielding and quietening my powerful being within me. I wanted to confront, but who would hear?  Just two three incidents were enough to impact my core, but imagine  children who have to face loudness everyday of their childhood . Though I was courageous  enough to approach my Aunt and my Granny and pacify them even as a child , but harboured the thought that abuse be it physical or verbal should be banned altogether. But since  I could not voice it, I carried it as a lost, battered and helpless emotion.  A child truly is helpless outwardly but not inwardly. It’s a myth that a child would forget  such an untoward incident.

Not realising that in spite of all the good  virtues that I carried with me, from my family this battered emotion made me feel helpless to an extent of giving up, when situations were dark and grim in my life laters,  not that I lacked in courage facing them but it used to shake my thinking that one can be or one is bound to be suppressed with abuse or loudness if truth be told  on the face.  For visions of my Granny and Aunt would crop up , and I could feel , as a little child stopping my father from being harsh to them. This is where it all starts to stem, be it strength or fears or insecurities or being powerful or powerless  the germination starts generations before.  Every harsh incident breaks you from within and every good incident helps to open up and heal provided we are given the freedom to express .

Looking back I also feel and sense so much for my dear father and that his  amount of venting out came from an unhealed turbulent life’s situations that even he had to face during partition ( though I lost him at the age of 19 yrs hence could never ever sit and talk on those terms), fending for his family doing all kinds of odd jobs and then funded by one of his Uncle for his basic education , for which he used to cater to all the odd jobs in his place . My father always kept his Uncle and Aunt’s picture on his side table and always mentioned that they were his true parents and owed huge part of his success to them.

A great worshipper of Lord Hanuman a true disciplinarian and warm hearted soul that he was all through the time he lived, I loved his very persona , but in the true sense did he really heal himself or come out of the dire situational trauma that he faced during childhood.  Oh , I so wish he was alive and I could sit down and speak to him and even my mom , who also suffered from bouts of silence,  and would faint when too stressed( a clinical name depression in those days was never heard of, though people suffered in silence) . As much as I can gather  she went through major surgeries at the young age of merely 35 years.  Though my father was at her bedside always, but did she really heal herself from her inner traumas, not accepted whole heartedly by my granny as my parents had a love marriage. Moreover she gave up her career as a hockey player and singer  to look after the family.  For revolting would have surely led to a scattered family, thus scarring her very being further. Imagine  the parents going through their conditioned childhood, and it’s imprints were carried even when they grew up. It was not easy for them either. For even if we all understand that life is all about  giving the best to our family , looking after them well , but all of it would be passed  on by an unhealed , un-catered self, does that really work perfectly?

 

This whole dilemma of unsealed and unhealed emotions of unexpected circumstances, conditionings , battling the odds of life for that matter ,  that even my parents went through during their times, came from a very imposed , suppressed background of my grandparents too .  In due course of time, undoubtedly we were served a very  balanced childhood  on the set terms by our parents but sans their own inner healing. So what  was passed onto us, were the silent unhealed frequencies connected to those emotions too. As our parents braved their lives getting out of the grave conditioning of their parents, we too jumped with the thought and sight of getting a respite from the deep conditioning of our parents, and so too our children doing the same and the coming generations would be following suite. A whole circle of blame game follows in the pretext, where the present generation then keeps blaming their older generation for ineffective handling of life and handing over the same. An infected/ unhealed foundation however strong and stable, is sure to leave cracks on the  core issues if not embalmed with timely healing.

 

In this dynamic picture the biggest star that emerges is “THE EMOTION” ( healed or unhealed) . The unhealed emotion carries with it, bruised frequency of resentment , suppressed anger, a controlled nature, confused state of mind, sulking and inflated ego, throwing out to the outer world a superficial face of perfection, effecting the life of a rich or average person  equally for that matter.

No wonder many of us keep battling with turmoils in life and keep facing not only the outer but more so the  self inflicted circumstantial burns  till our last breath, without understanding that it’s coming from the partially burnt, core issue of a parent too. In other words we are  many a times disorders from the combinations of not only outside triggers that show up in day to day life, but our genes , and us being witness to certain not so good stored memories reaping havoc in our lives.

Today on this platform full of wise souls with deep understanding  let me take this opportunity to apologise on behalf of my male ancestors for having caused abuse , suppression and domination, for any of their actions  to the females and males of our families or even outsiders be it in the name of tradition or religion. To the respected females ancestors of my family I apologise on your behalf, for lashing and hitting back to other females and males of the families if any, or outsiders for endless reasons , causing unknowing deep harm and hurt  which did  leave it’s lasting psyche imprints on the coming generations.

If anything of my parents offended my Grandparents , my Uncles , Aunts , please forgive them and I apologise on their behalf.

If I have offended my Grandparents, Parents, brothers and sisters, friends or unknown people knowingly or unknowingly,  forgive me for the traces of my insanity that emerged through evidential circumstances, I apologise for the same .

To my kids esp my dear son, I am sorry for raising my hand on you, for no reason or rhyme when you were young, yes I can excuse myself easily that I was going through a grind in my life..sigh! ( I know I have apologised to you many times) forgive me my dear ones. I am making efforts to get back to the handful of loved ones from both my parents side and apologise on their behalf, which is going to be liberating for me, and that’s what matters.

Facing the atrocities of the past time or for that matter even in the present time may cause a bit of shakiness while voicing the expression of the heart ,  but the good thing is the vibration of this very “HEALED EMOTION” and it’s energy of expression opening up , would be soaring to a high frequency of  a true prayer said and meant well.  So next time life throws a challenge, let’s not blame anyone, but reach to the core issue, heal and move on.

Let the patterns of inadequacy, conditioned guilt of emotions disperse and take a healing form of right thinking, a healthy living , breathing and breeding true beauty of expression and help us serve our generations and the world at large unconditionally. 

May Devi Maa Bless, heal and release our Ancestors, us and our generations with a true, humble , content and simple life, with a smile🙏

A little add on to the soulful words of Om Swamiji , May Divine Grace Light up and heal my path and your Path, and always keep me and you out of harms way🙏

Thank you everyone for taking your precious time and reading this post.

DUGGA DUGGA 🙏
Siddhika Umesh.

pic courtesy: Power of positivity

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