Do I believe in my diety ? Idk . I always question whether what i think is even what i think. Sometimes i cry at the altar at the same time i think I have no emotions or bhakti . I am just putting up a show . Why do I believe in what I believe.? Maybe because 

1)I think believing , chanting will solve my problems . Well the situation hasn’t since long and really I can only work which is the only thing that will help me . It pains me to say this but I know that mother won’t come to help me . My problems are too small . Infact my problems are just illusions . No god , no remedy , no astrologer , no person will help me . Only me ? But even I haven’t been able to help me 

2) it is a coping mechanism . I stay away from questioning the existence of devi because people have told me thay if I do so I don’t have any faith . But at the same time I wonder its natural for me to do so . 

3) There are time when i am dellusional and feel grateful and complete . But senses come back and situations and tendencies too . 

4) more than an year of me being spiritual . Only philosophical I have become . I don’t have discipline nor devotion.  Nor any magical dream stories of my guru or devi coming to me .it doesn’t mean im disappointed.  I am still on the path .but my dreamy nature and soft self has gone . My hopes are not there m I don’t dream of meeting anyone . I have surrendered . I don’t even want devi to come to me . If she is a mother she should be with me . I shouldn’t have to call her 1 lakh times to come . So I will just remember her by her names . Will continue doing all my sadhanas believing there exists my mother . Wondering whether she knows of my existence.  

Yes I know many believe devi exists in our heart but really my heart isn’t a lovely place . I would rather have my ishta infront of me than in “me” . I have never experienced divine “in” me so I will not believe so . 

5)with so much of doubt I question my faith . When people tell me in hard times it is a test of faith . How unfare it is that a government doesn’t do anything for the people who votes them and ask everyone to still vote them . Having said that . After the storm has passed yess the faith comes back only before a hard time . But again as no help comes ,faith goes away and the cycles continues.  This is not the life of a siddha but a bhogi . Everyone of us is born a bhogi and there are those who are born a siddha , one in a billion , whose arrival is waited and told of , I wonder whether any of us who have never experienced anything spiritual will reach truth in the same lifetime or will we pass to another life where our arrival will be told of .

6) the purpose of this post is to help u contemplate on your believes on faith and not to share my truth . I have no truth to share .