The more I meditate the more I realize that my greatest challenge in life is fear. Fear of becoming a nursing case because of my chronic illness, fear of my own helplessness, fear of other people and their challenges to understand my health struggles, fear of burdening others with myself, fear of pain (although pain is something I should have gotten used to by now, shouldn’t I?), fear of being useless, fear of… you name it!
So what is so special about (my) fear? I found out it comes with so many faces. It wears a lot of different masks. It comes as resentment against other people, it comes as self-loathing, it comes as sadness, as misanthropy. It shows as sarcasm, as hustle and bustle, as laziness, as dizziness. It seems as if my mind is trying to turn it into anything else just to overcome the helplessness of fear. It is trying to find something or someone to blame – myself or other people – just to avoid the yawning abyss of fear. It is trying to give it a face just to get a grip on it. And yet I am just running away from the actual truth of it.
I am slowly beginning to realize that the cure to my fear must be faith. And I don’t quite know how to build it, but I have a clue that faith must lie beyond fear and that there is no other way than facing it.