Especially today of all days, I want to write something very true, not something to make myself feel accepted and valued. I write with all my heart and what I feel like writing in every blog that I have posted. I have written something I feel is wrong or hurtful. I have read in the book ‘The Perks of Being a Wallflower’, a line which remained true to me till date and will always be true to me is: “We accept the love we think we deserve.” 

Recently, over the past few days of my life, I have understood “We accept everything (love, friendships, trust, happiness) we think we deserve.” But there is always space for something more. We deserve something more than what we have with us right now, always. And hence, cheers to the poor choices we make in our life. They say, “People in love don’t really know why they do a few things. It is just for the sake of love.” But we don’t know a lot of other things that we do and why we do. I believe it is for friendships or other things but the majority of it is because of fear of losing. Fear of losing and death haunts most of our lives and decisions and behaviours. May it be just friendships, or love and happiness, fear of losing someone dear to us makes us do things we may regret later. (I do not support the injuries caused to someone just for the sake of friendships or love) 

But, there is something we forget! We all come with some knowledge we don’t know we possess. And over the years with the experience with people, we increase our knowledge and expand. The knowledge is about who we are as a person! Once in a lecture, the professor said a sentence, “The only person knowing you, is YOU!” It didn’t make sense to me then but now it does. No one in the world knows us better than we do ourselves. And hence, even if we have those 5 people in our lives we are closest to, they still don’t know a lot of things about us. And so, we never are someones first gear. We are always someone’s second gear. 

What is it about second gear? Second gear is like you are the safest option or the bottom-most choice of someone. 

I am a person who does not know myself very well. I am still not sure about who, why, how, when and where questions in my life. And so I have always been depending upon someone to give me the answers. Recently, I started to be an independent person but the questions still haunt me and not knowing the answers just add to the difficulties and stress. I always thought the people around me or the ones I am closest to are the 5 people who will never change or leave the rank in my life. 

But experiences over the year and the recent events, I have developed a new theory of my own. The theory is ‘we have our 5 closest people. But the list can change over the years. Also, these 5 people can change in the rankings too.’ Another belief is ‘we are the first gear only to ourselves.’ We can drive the car in whichever direction we want, even if people are there beside us we never know if they are going to be with us forever or not. 

Life is a scary situation and we need people to go through it, but we need to remind ourselves WHO WE ARE and WHAT IS OUR PURPOSE. I never understood the purpose part of the sentence, but I guess over the next few years with experience and knowledge, I will know WHAT MY PURPOSE IS. 

Till then, I am my first gear, first option and first priority! 

I hope you find this article insightful with at least one word written in it. Hope you find strength!

(p.s – this article is dear and special to me and also, true in all the ways.)

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Madhumita Bhadkamkar

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