When I experience even a single moment of devotion for you, I feel an ambrosia of grace flowing through the whole of my being. But sometimes I just don’t feel anything for you. I look at your eyes only to feel estranged from you. Your gaze appears so distant and grave to me. It feels like all the devotion, all the sentiments and all the love I have for you has simply dissipated into nothingness – a dark void.
And those are the moments when I really cry hard in pain, longing for your one divine glance, for your one divine word. What is more unfortunate than not being able to feel devotion for you? After all, your love is the ultimate thing that renders me bliss and joy.
Earlier my mind used to ignore you so perfectly for days and days. But now, with each passing day, I feel my heart being torn apart when I don’t feel anything for you. I know well the reasons behind it. They are nothing, but my own unbreakable attachments, vague desires and unfulfilled expectations from everyone, that keeps me away from you, every single time. How will I possibly reach the heart of ocean if I keep pausing on the surface due to ripples?
But yesterday night I really cried for you. The fact that I feel estranged from you because of my personal barriers was heart-ripping for me. I remember crying for an hour or two continuously, like a little child, craving for mother’s love. And the reason was only this – the separation between you and me. If at all there is no separation, then why can’t I possibly feel the oneness? And if it’s there, then it is the most unbearable emotion for me. I can’t bear to stay estranged from you Maa. I crave intensely for that pure bhakti that will transcend these barriers and boundaries.
But yesterday I realized one thing. The kirtans, bhajans and dhyana that I do for you fill me with so much joy. But the intense longing I feel for you, to see you, the pain and the tears that I shed for you also gives me an unfathomable joy in the long run. Every time I cry for you, every ounce of me feels purified by your love and grace. Even your pain has a strange nectar in it, which I soak myself in and feel so warm. You know, I don’t why, but I feel happy to cry for you in intense pain, longing for your grace.
Be with me always, Maa.
Maa ki beti
PS – Dear Readers,
I have received many beautiful comments on some of my poems. I really feel honored and glad at the same time that my poems are being appreciated so beautifully. And all thanks to Swami ji, for bestowing this wonderful platform to all of us.
In-fact, I never thought that my spiritual and devotional poems are even readable. I feel so joyful to be read, and understood here. I feel warm here. I believe that its all Swamiji’s grace. Because I have never been appreciated so wonderfully before for my spiritual poems. These beautiful tokens of compliments fill me with immense happiness and contentment. I am extremely sorry that I am not able to reply to any of you, as I haven’t upgraded my profile. So I don’t have access to read or reply to any of the comments. But I have received a copy of some of the comments in my mails.
I am really grateful to all the wonderful readers who have appreciated my poetry and showered their love, wishes and blessings. It really means a lot to me. It’s one of the greatest treasures for any writer, I feel.
Thank you everyone and thank you Swami ji for your blessings and grace.
Stay safe & stay well.
Love and wishes.