Please find Links of Love – 2: Journey Home (here)
It had been one and a half years since I was deeply madly in love with my Baba. He had become an integral part of my life by then.
I never thought I would ever ask him this but I am glad that he made me ask this. One day while doing my prayers I just looked at his photo and said “Baba I feel your love, care, and support for me. But Baba I want to touch your feet, is your touch that magical how they described in scriptures? I want to smell you. You are the one who gave fragrance to all the flowers I really want to know like which flower your fragrance is? I want to look into your eyes and feel that love and compassion. Baba, I want to see you in physical form. I am tired of this long-distance relationship lets meet now like a real, real meeting”. On that day I finished my prayer with this wish and I got busy with my work. After few days I completely forgot about this wish of mine. But the universe always listens. With his grace, my prayers got answered.
After few days from nowhere, I don’t know I saw Swamiji on youtube. Neither I searched for anything related to spirituality nor God. When I looked at him for the first time I just said “What a handsome monk he is. Why did he take Sanyas? He could have been anything he wished. A billionaire or a life coach or a businessman”. He is everything but then, I didn’t know anything about him to be very honest I didn’t even know his name also. After a few seconds of glance, I just scrolled down and forgot about Swami Ji. After few days I kept on seeing Swami Ji on YouTube but never went through his videos. When I was ordering something on Amazon I constantly got ‘If truth be told’ book in suggestion. When it continued for several days I got pissed off. I was irritated to see that book in suggestions. Just to get rid of it I ordered that book and with his grace, I ordered ‘Om Swami as we know him’ book too. In divine play nothing happens just like that.
Now I started going through his videos. After listening to so many Monks it was Swami Ji’s teaching where I found my answers. Something within me started turning towards him. Along with videos, I started reading his book ‘If truth be told’. I was touched. I built huge respect for him. I started admiring his journey but still, I didn’t get even a glimpse of his divinity or his love.
One day after a long day of work my eyes caught ‘OM SWAMI as we know him’ book. I was tired but still, felt like reading that book. As I started reading that book every chapter I went through my heart realized that he is none other than my Baba (this was how I was experiencing my Baba these many years). Every chapter just made me happy because I found my Baba, it made me anxious because I was in separation with him.
After two days I finished reading that book at night around 12 am. I went to bed but I couldn’t get sleep. I was anxious. I felt like crying. I felt like calling him loudly. But how? I didn’t have his phone number. I didn’t have his mail ID. I didn’t know anyone in Ashram. How I have to reach him? How? How? Just How? Baba, just show me a way to reach you. You are my Baba. My father. I am dying to meet you. Please Deva show me a way. My soul was crying. And I didn’t know how to channelize this happiness and pain so I just poured my heart into a letter.
I know you are none other than my Baba. You are my Baba. You are in Himachal, in Bhadrika Ashram. How could you do this to me? You know that since so many days I am crying for you. Every second I am waiting to see your one glimpse. I am chanting your name in my sleep and calling you in my dreams. How could you keep me away from you? Don’t you love me? Am I that bad child? I know, I know I may have committed so many sins, but you are karunasagar please forgive me and take me in your arms please Baba. You know that I don’t have anyone but only you. Baba, I beg you please come to me Baba. I don’t know how to reach you, I don’t find a way. I don’t have courage to come to Himachal. But you are Paramatma, you are my Bhagawan, you are my Baba you know where I am. Why don’t you come to me? Please Baba without seeing you I am dying every day, every second. I have become weary now, my eyes are tired and I am losing all my hope. Please Baba before I die with this separation please come and hold me. If you cannot come then take my breath but please do not punish me like this.
(In 2019 for the first time I wrote this letter to Swami Ji. When I was writing this letter I was sobbing, crying and I was dying because of separation pain. It was just killing me)
I finished writing my letter but I didn’t know whom to post. If I post to the ashram admin team also, will they show my letter to Baba? I didn’t know. On that day, I just cried whole night helplessly. But I was relaxed to know that he is there.
Have you ever got separated from your loved one in fair or in a new city or any unknown crowded places whose hand you were holding constantly? Just feel that pain, anxiety, and fear. And then feel that relaxation, relief, happiness, and love when you find him/her again. I was just experiencing the same on that night. I was all lost in this bhavasagar , struggling and crying. Finally he came to my rescue my Baba. My father.
Now my life purpose was to meet my Baba, see my Baba, listen to my Baba, and see his compassionate eyes. But how will I do? I never traveled to North India? Himachal OMG thousands of Kilometers away from me how will I go? Will my Mother give permission? What if she says no? And what will I tell her? Will she ever be able to understand my feelings, love for my Baba? How? I always had questions but no answers. I didn’t find a way so I just turned on my laptop and wrote a letter to swami Ji (never mailed). After writing the letter I don’t know what changed in me I just decided to come to Himachal and see my Baba.
I worked on night shifts and on weekends so that I can afford tickets and all other expenditures because I knew my mom not gonna give me a penny for this. I just reduced all my expenditures. For two months there was no shopping, no beauty parlor, no restaurant food nothing. Somehow I managed to convince my mom saying that I am traveling with two of my office friends. (sorry Swami Ji I had no other options). But after returning I told the truth about my solo trip. Even though this trip was not easy for me too. I never traveled alone. I never traveled to north India. I knew no one in north India who could have helped me if I got into any problems. But all I knew was this trip was as important as my breath. I just took his name and booked my tickets.
It was two months wait then. Every day I was just dreaming of meeting my Baba. Whenever I felt overwhelmed I used to turn on my laptop and write letters to him. I used to pour my heart into those letters. I asked Swami Ji in those letters, is everything written in that book (Om swami as we know him) true? Do you smell like flowers? Is your one leg smooth and another one hard? Will you show me some miracles? and whatnot. Sometimes I used to fill my letters with questions and sometimes with all the gossips. I used to write about my office things, my relationship and sometimes in those letters I used to post all my WhatsApp chats (if I had any fight with my friend) and I used to ask swami Ji to help me to resolve the issue. In those letters, I shared every bit of me. I shared my happiest moments and darkest events, I shared my desires and weakness too. I shared with him about my period pain and how much I was suffering because of the night shift. In short, I just shared every bit of me in those letters. Today also my every story completes after telling him only. Today also I have a folder in my laptop all filled with letters. But I never mailed any of them and I will never try to mail them.
Now the question is if I have not mailed him then have I ever got any answers to my questions? Yes without fail. He is Karunasagar. If we call him with love he will never ignore us. He listens to us and he helps us.
With the help of those letters and his guidance, my relationship with my friend got healed completely. The torture that I was getting in office from my team lead with his guidance I was able to answer him. My period cramps are not painful with that pain I can work now. He always guided me through his blogs, videos, through people. But getting the exact video, blog, and the person as an answer to my question is his Leela. When we Google something we get thousands of answers but what we want is one right answer where our mind, heart, and soul get in alignment. And his answers were exactly like that.
Most of the time answers never reached me the way I was expecting and what I was expecting. He has infinite ways to answer me; with this mundane mind I would never even imagine his ways. Getting answers means is not always yes only. Sometimes his answer was No too. Sometimes wait, and sometimes patience.
The best thing we can ever do is to keep ourselves open, so that he can fill us with LOVE, HOPE, LIGHT, GRACE and PATIENCE.
Thank you all for reading. Take Care. Jai Sri Hari.
To be continued….