This is one of the toughest posts for me because here I plan to dwell into things that must not be told outside our house. When it comes to having a sense of right or wrong most things are relative but some things are clearly on the wrong end of spectrum like causing someone harm intentionally. 

Returning from college and expecting it to be just like any other day I got the biggest shock of my life, a family member had committed a crime(or so it was alleged). I will not be able to go into further details but that was the darkest night for our family. Apart from this one member all of us were far away from anything remotely illegal and didn’t quite know how to handle the situation. 

We had to flee the house as in our locality gang wars were common and after this incident anyone of us could be attacked. That was the last day when my mother got a peaceful sleep. The person who did it also fled and we had no idea where this person was. We had to stay in a random place for next one week and hardly any sleep came to anyone. Every night I’d look at my parents and hope that when I wake up in morning there are all still here. 

I feared for this person’s safety constantly and that’s the whole idea of this post. I could not stop loving this person or caring for this person just because he did something unforgivable. I would constantly pray that he is alive and comes back home. Overtime things came out in the open and we got to know that main accused was someone else but he(my family member) was also involved into it. The case proceedings are still going on for that and he has made some serious enemies. 

My mother has lost her mental balance and frequently forgets things and starts shouting and saying hurtful things without much prodding. Mostly I’m blamed for all this by things like: “you did not get married at early age that’s why we could not get him married else all this would not have happened “

“all this is because of you ,you are no better than him its just that you are  a girl so you cant do the exact same things that he did but you have hurt us equally “

Reason for these comments is only that I’m resisting random marriage to any guy and want to do it after taking some time. Due to dishonor part they think very few will agree for an alliance here so I should just go for whoever agrees.

Despite the toxic aftereffects of the incident I still deeply care for this person and cant help but wish for things to be okay with him. When it comes to doing the right thing I know its wrong of me to want someone to not suffer for  his mistake and yet I cant do that. Why are we so deeply attached to our families I wonder. In my angry moments I have prayed : “I wish i wasnt born here. I must have done something horrible to be  born here, god please in next life I dont want to repeat this ” and yet I cant detach myself.

Anger guilt and self loathing are common emotions when these things get intense and yet the string cant be cut. Karma must be paid.

Pay Anything You Like

Neha Singh

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