Jai Shri Hari!
Pranaam to Swamiji
Today is Krishna Janmashtami and so I thought of sharing my love story with my spiritual family…
As you all know by now, I have been a devotee of Baba since my childhood. After I was introduced to Swamiji, meditation, chanting and spiritual life, I felt pretty ok with my life. All the troubles suddenly stopped troubling or I just ignored them because all that mattered was my newly found devotion and belongingness to the spiritual world.
Meditation for me was very hard during the initial days because I have a very chatty mind, am highly creative too, and my imaginations run before I can comprehend what’s happening. Sitting straight was and still is, tedious for me. There were days when I would feel like it was too much and I would take a break from meditation and all. After the break, I would feel better.
Somedays though, I felt like I missed something.. it felt monotonous. During those days, I used to watch Radha Krishna TV shows, I love such shows. So what’s the connection between me missing something and Radha Krishna’s show? You will know when you finish reading.
One day, a thought came to my mind, I want to love… I want to love, I want to be loved… but how, I don’t remember how to love anymore. Except that I love my son but that was not enough. So, during puja, I prayed to Baba or Swamiji or Krishna (don’t remember exactly to whom) to teach me to love. The unconditional, absolute selfless, unbounded, complete surrender kind and eternal love.
I prayed and then got busy with my life. One day, I was watching one of Swamiji’s discourses in which he said — Love will come into your life when you least expect it (I think this is what he had said) and I felt like Swamiji was talking to me, many of us feel that for our own reasons.
So I waited, don’t know for how many days. I was curious to know what was going to happen, how will I be in love, when I hardly stepped out of my house. Will it be a human being or a celestial being, or will it be just the feeling of being in Love with the whole existence… Then one day, while watching the Radha Krishna serial, something happened.
In one of the scenes, Krishna looked at Radha Ji, his gaze was so pure, so full of pure love and no lust, I just stared at him non-stop amazed at how he was looking at her, after that all I could see was Krishna, I felt his gaze, I thought to myself, I wish I had someone who would love me like that, without holding any expectations, without trying to chain me, who would love me for me, not for my body, whose love will be eternal and not until the moment he would find some flaw in me.
There is only one entity who can love me like that and that is my Krishna — that’s it, he became my Krishna. That is all it took. I didn’t even realize that I was already in love with him. I started listening to his songs from morning to night like one mad person, I would smile the whole day for no reason. I finally found the one who is mine forever. The problems around still existed but I just smiled them off now, slowly, problems started dissipating in thin air.
I was happy, content, and in a blissful state. I had not even an ounce of doubt that my Krishna would ever hurt me, abuse me, leave me or disrespect me. For the first time, I felt like I was in a safe relationship. I was not on thinking terms in those days, I would just listen to his songs and dance for him, with him, in my mind.
I had heard that Krishna doesn’t show himself to his devotees easily, so I was ready to just love him until I existed, without asking him for anything in return, though I did and still do yearn for his vision. I used to meditate on his songs, and imagine sitting with him on a Jhoola (swing) with my head on his shoulder and he, holding me with his one arm, His other hand holding my hand, and we smile at each other, both swinging in slow motion.
And one day, while focusing deeply during meditation, I saw a beautiful garden/park/ nature scenery… there was a jhoola swinging, I tried to zoom in, it was blurred but I could see Krishna and a girl with him swinging, both looking lovingly at each other. I sensed the girl was me, I tried to zoom in, but it just got more blurred, Krishna didn’t want me to see him, not yet.
When I opened my eyes, I was so happy, I wanted to jump with joy, did I just see Krishna, who doesn’t reveal himself to his devotees easily? What if it was just the manifestation of my mind… but then Swamiji said, “Agar Vishwas hai toh sab kuch hai, agar nahi hai, toh kuch bhi nahi hai”… so, I went with my heart and decided what I saw was real… I was on jhoola with My Krishna, which means, He Loves Me too… I still cry sometimes when I think that Krishna loves me.
I wanted to become like Meera bai, but I m too lazy. I don’t know how to love Krishna like that, to be in his thoughts all the time (who will do household chores for me?) my love for him is in my heart, my soul. I have surrendered myself to his beautiful dark blue feet with Golden anklets, my tears are my anjali to him.
I love him so much that I start liking people automatically who have the name Krishna… its funny trust me. I try to see Krishna in them. They are Krishna to me. Someday he will show himself to me, I believe in him and love him with all my existence. This is my love story!
For all those, who cannot see Krishna, or any Gods or do not have any visions, please do not be disheartened. I am a visual person, and that is why I see things easily. You might be an auditory person or sensory person, in that case, you may be able to hear and feel divine, through chanting or songs, you may sense them in your heart or mind or soul and feel them.
As there are different things in this world so are our experiences with our beloved divine. Just because someone has visions doesn’t mean that his/her love for the divine is superior and yours is inferior, it just means that we all are wired differently.
The divine loves us all equally, just like our Beloved Swamiji does. If you can’t see them — feel them, sense them, believe in them, that’s all. Try to love your deity without asking for anything in return, let your love be pure.
PS: I do not get any visions anymore, do not know the reason but I am not worried because Swamiji had written in his book or said sometime, that during his intense sadhana, even though he didn’t have any visions, it was just pitch dark. So we all are on the right path, our Guru will guide us, even lazy bees like me 🙂
Love to all of you!
Krishna Janmashtami ki Badhai sabko !
Pranaam, Jai Shri Hari 🙂