So, after Mahashivratri, I went on to complete the 20,000 rounds of a Kali mantra that was given in Vamachara practice that I did earlier. Initially, I started doing 1000 rounds per day but after about a week, I started doing 2500 rounds per day. I would recite mantra all day, and kept the count using 50 letters of sanskrit varnamala. However, I usually did some extra chants as I was not doing any great ritual of purascharan. Somewhere around 24-26 March, when I was reaching the end, I started feeling something. Earlier I could feel her beside me, now this time I felt intense vibrations of mantra and started feeling as if I had the form of Ma Kali on which I was meditating. I felt as if I had long, curly, silky hair and whenever I moved I could feel them. It felt as if I had the particular tiara on my head that was their in that image. When I walked, Ma Kali walked, when I ate, she ate, when I drank, she drank. For a day or two, it was just she, blissful she. It is said that after eating and drinking, you should do sadhana of Kali. I ate and drank a lot, but never gained weight as I offered all food to her. It was just amazing. I would walk (I mean she) with a different sense of confidence. It’s bit confusing, but remember what I quoted from “Kundalini – An Untold Story” : “I have been her.”
Then on 27-28 March, I decided to check my control on myself. I took the phone secretly in morning (around 3am) and plugged the earphones. I asked Ma to take care if anything goes wrong. Chanting the Kali mantra, I opened a porn video. Within a minute or two, I got bored and closed it. I felt nothing, it was empty. I felt victorious. I thought “so this is what my friends are crazy about. It is nothing, absolutely nothing in front of bliss I got in meditation and Shiv bhakti.” I don’t mean I never have sexual thoughts, it is just that they now can’t overpower me. If they were earlier big monsters, now they are like small flies (or at least cockroaches?). (Here is a video from Jaganmata Prahimam about Sexual thoughts, it helped me a lot, must listen to it)
Now as Navratri approached, I couldn’t resist my inner calling and decided I would not write anything on os.me to focus on Navratri which was later modified to not even logging on os.me. A day or two before Navratri, I once again started that same Vamachara practice that I did earlier. Once I saw one or two flashes which happened in reality after a day or two. One day I saw a black Shivling in dream and other day when I got up, Shiv Tandav Stotram was playing in my mind. I can’t go in more details of what happened but I can just say that I got directions for my further journey. It is said that Guru can just show the path, at the end you have to walk on it.
After almost two years of starting my attempt on Kundalini awakening, I see that many words of Swami from his book Kundalini and words of other masters are coming true. I am still unable to see the big picture, I see a pattern repeating but this time, I am aware. Let’s see where the river of life takes me.
A Final Word : As I end this series, I would like to thank each one of you who read this. When I started, I didn’t knew it would become 11 posts long. Thank you everyone for your immense love and lovely comments that motivated me to write as much as possible. I could write because you wanted to read it. Thank you.
संसारसारम् भुजगेन्द्रहारम् ।
भवं भवानीसहितं नमामि ॥
Who is as white as camphor, who is embodiment of compassion, who is essence of universe, who has king of serpents has his necklace, who always resides in lotus of my heart, I bow to him “Bhav” along with “Bhavani”.