Disclaimer: This post contains my spiritual ventures of 16 plus age. So if you are less than 16, then first let your parents read it. (Ironically, teenagers like doing what they are denied of. But be mindful, there’s someone watching you, you cannot hide anywhere in this world.)
Before I move to the big decision I took, there are some more important events which took place in 2019. In mid 2019, I got the Vigyan Bhairav Tantra, as always accidentally. It contains the 112 meditations in brief. As soon as I finished reading it, I tried some techniques. One I remember was that I went out and focused on a twig. I experienced a different state of consciousness, everything appeared as if it was light. Around end of 2019, I started regular tratak, mental worship,etc. Although I started for siddhis such as mind reading, later those desires reduced by themselves. In an older part, I wrote how I got Durga Saptashati audio. Now in 2019, I don’t remember if it was Gupt Navratri or Sharad Navratri, I listened to the Durga Saptashati for first time. The audio has Sanskrit recitation along with Hindi translation. I also started the practice of taking small sankalpas in Navratri. As time passed, I began experiencing sensations at different chakras. There were times when nature tested my resolve. Sometimes it would rain when it was time for me to meditate. I like to enjoy rain, my family also suggested to let go of meditation for one day, but I didn’t leave meditation. It was just a small price, for what I wanted. No big deal.
Around Diwali, that year 2019, Ma in form of Mahakali entered my life. In a newspaper article on Diwali or a day before it, there was an advertisement which had a photo of Mahakali. I couldn’t remove my gaze, she didn’t instill any fear in my heart. I secretly cut it and also the Bhavani ashtakam and placed it at a safe place. There were fears of someone discovering it but I couldn’t stop myself.
After 1 week of Diwali, on 3 November, my legs were paining, my body temperature was high. I did some Pranayama and Yog nidra. We went to give my KVPY exam, center was at 1 hr driving distance, so for 5-6 hrs, I was out with that pain. Later, we all thought, it was out of fatigue. I experienced body pain and fever (about 104 C) for next 4 days. In morning everything would be fine, it would start as day passed and by the time I returned from school, I would have high fever. However, I didn’t stop. On Thursday, father was adamant to visit doctor. We visited a doctor in evening and he suggested blood test. We waited at my Nani’s home which was in neighborhood till my father returned with results. He called my mother out. I had an idea of what had happened. I was diagnosed dengue positive. During that time, cases of people dying from dengue were high in Jodhpur. So, parents were worried and little angry on my careless attitude. I was not much worried as even on 5th day of dengue my health had not deteriorated much. The platelet count was still more than average. After returning home, I read some sanskrit texts such as Mrit Sanjivni Stotram, Mrityunjaya Stotram, etc. Next day, I was forced to take a day off from school (which happened once or twice in a year). I had to give in as they had my dengue positive report now. I had a hard time in getting even the permission to take bath in morning (to carry out daily abhishek) and then in evening to meditate. On Sunday, I had one more test and this time I was dengue negative and hence I was once again free. After dengue, I felt more fresh and light (not kidding). My weight decreased from 60 to 56 kg which has not reached 60 again.
Now the big decision I took. I read about Madhurya Bhaav of Bhakti in Sri Ramakrishna Paramhansa’s book. He once worshipped Krishna in Madhurya bhaav. (Read more) I decided to worship Shiv in this way. My thought “If I am the soul, and soul is beyond male and female, then what is the problem.” I meditated on myself as Devi, having long hair, with all 16 sringar, etc (and I really felt it), forgetting everything else, just moving on inner voice. I sat smiling and blushing as a new bride and said like, “Oh Shiva! I submit myself to you my lord, I am your Shakti you are my Shiva, come embrace me!” I experienced bliss for 1-2 days, even remembarance makes me smile. Such bliss filled me with love and compassion, but “Unconditional love” came only in 2020 (you will have to wait a little).
There was one more blissful experience I had. I was meditating on myself as Shiva, with 3 eyes, matted locks, etc and Devi approached me and sat on left side of my lap, merged into me and I felt as if I was Ardhanareeshwara, my right side was Shiva and left side was Shakti and in front of my closed eyes there was just bright light.
As I kept moving, I never realized when I started feeling their presence in my life. As I reached Sahasrar, I began experiencing sensations in my head, sometimes I experienced them even while writing board exam. On 17 March, 2020, I had my last board paper. Next day, it was announced that other papers were postponed. It was sheer luck, I had nothing to worry about. Moreover, I was not preparing for any competitive exam like Neet or Jee unlike my other friends, so I was free. In early 2020, before my exams, I had read Million Thoughts and some works by Sadhguru which added ghee to my inner fire. Now, I was free and had more than 4 months in my hand (which later expanded, thanks to covid). So, I began thinking about options I had.
One thing I did was that I read Gita in one week. I don’t remember anything particular but I know when I read it, it taught me a fewthings and removed some of my doubts. I thought of creating a blog but gave up that desire as in a video on esoteric meaning Durga saptashati, Swami ji referred to our passions as an obstacle in awakening. I wanted to learn sanskrit, so I downloaded learnsanskrit.org using a software. In one month (mid april-mid may) I completed learning basic sanskrit from that site, I could even understand sanskrit. However, due to lack of practice from a long time (you will soon know why), I have forgotten the details. Nevertheless, I can still understand some sanskrit. I searched some tantric texts, in one I found some nice mantras, but I was reluctant. Then I searched about Apsara sadhanas, Yakshini sadhanas, etc. They sounded interesting but I never made any attempt because somewhere I was interested in directly attempting for highest instead of lower forms of energies. I have once had a dream in which I saw Ma Kali and in other Ma Bagalamukhi. Besides, during those days, I downloaded a guided yog nidra by Swami Niranjananda Saraswati. Yog nidra benefited me a lot. I did the different shuddhi kriyas in those holidays after which my health improved even more. One thing I liked to do was to lie down on my side with my hand supporting my head, and I would be immersed in sweet remembrance of Shiva, with my eyes closed. No praying, thinking, just remembering him. In about May, I once again tried to approach sexual urge in tantric way. This time I sat still for about 45 mins absorbed in meditative state without any release. I remained in a blissful state for 2-3 days and didn’t have any strong sexual urge in the 3-4 months after it. I was happy for having made it, partially, if not completely.
On 1 May, a new channel was launched on DD free dish which showed DKDM. Finally, my years long desire was fulfilled. One day, an episode showed the incident in which Mahadeva was sitting in samadhi and Devi Parvati approaches him, asks forgiveness for mistakes of her Sati incarnation, etc. weeps, but he doesn’t opens his eyes. As I watched it, I felt to cry, I could identify with her, but stopped my tears as mother and sister were there. Later when I went for my meditation before sleep, I cried bitterly, tears flowed incessantly. I decided I would purify myself, I would burn my impure self as Devi burnt her Sati incarnation, would do Kundalini Sadhana once again with more concentration, would live with detachment, would meditate intensely, would move towards him with all my might.
And this marked the beginning of another journey. This time an experience changed me forever and after that experience I developed true Unconditional love and forgiveness. How? Wait for the next part.
Har Har Mahadev !!!