Every word
out of one’s mouth
is a reflection of
our state of being.

Sometimes,
I’m scared to speak
for fear that
the astute
will see me
for who I am –
not yet
fully surrendered.

But
when I speak,
I understand that
the power has been taken
from fear
and handed to You,
my Lord.

And isn’t that all
surrender is?
To submit everything
and enjoy the journey.

Because the vistas You show
are my life’s every breath.

I love You.
I love You.
I love You.

 

Over the past hour, I’ve begun two different posts, written a few hundred words, the poem above and then come to a standstill. The writing that seems to flow as smoothly as the Giri Ganga feels much like a cranky old tape recorder today – it gets stuck, rewinds itself and then releases terrible static that is a complete ear sore. Or in this case, an eyesore.

The reason is simple – I’m very, very tired. Have you ever tried getting your brain to work when your body is exhausted? It makes for an extremely interesting experiment. Or at least, that’s how it seems to me. Right now, the brain is quite excitedly presenting idea after idea of how I can write about this experience and that and that one too. My eyes though keep shutting, of their own accord.

It’s really strange, if you think about it. How can a human being who is prone to being in control be a complete slave to the body?

Some days, when I meditate, I see a flash of something or feel a second of complete silence. “Oooooh, I’m experiencing silence! Wow!” I think and instantly, the moment’s gone. Or “Holy mother, what was that?! I just saw something!” My eyeballs move frantically, attempting to follow the image, while I struggle to keep my eyes shut. And just like that, not only have I been thrown out of meditation but I’ve succeeded in giving myself a mild headache with all the eyeball rotations.

The mind and the body are completely out of control and here I am, walking around or sometimes, even strutting about, feeling on top of the world and like I’ve achieved the pinnacle of liberation. Why? Because the mind is that great a player. It can make one believe anything if one isn’t paying attention.

For years, I told myself I was walking the spiritual path. “I didn’t choose the path. The path chose me,” I’d proudly declare to anybody who would listen. “I was just doing my own thing and this came along.”

Pride and arrogance, anyone? I was the poster child. Have you seen fitness chain ads or makeovers with “before” and “after” pictures? The ego I carried wouldn’t have fit the “before” frame of the Om Swami School for Murkhon. But I’ve heard the school carries special-order frames, so, I’ve put in a request for speedy delivery 🙂

Walking the path is very, very different from knowing the path.

I managed to make it this far before letting out a big yawn. Now, my neck is doing rotations trying to release the cricks. Neither of these actions have happened with my permission. They were either involuntary or stemming from muscle memory. It’s so strange. For someone whose ego is regularly beaten up because someone has done something without checking with me first, my own body’s entire life cycle happens without my permission. Is the heart really going to wait for the mind to decide whether it should pump out the next beat or not? I’d be dead before writing the next word.

Is the stomach really going to patiently sit in its own juices while the mind reasons out whether the Munch chocolate I happily just crunched on should be allowed to make its way down? The acid would rot the lining.

Is the circulatory system going to freeze all the blood in my body just because the mind is having a mood swing and wants everything in the world to stop? I don’t even know what would happen if blood froze – is that how the Ice Age set in? God knows. Swamiji knows 🙂

Complete control over the body is possible only for one who has walked the path to its end. Here I am, just one baby foot in. The Black Lotus app tells me I’m nearly an Enthusiast which means the next milestone on the Path is being a Pro. The only thing I’m a pro in right now is cunningly plotting how to skip my meditation session because I want to snuggle into bed.

One of my favourite states of mind has always been something I like to call “sleep high.” It’s a state of being so sleepy that the mind, focused on getting to bed, drops all filters. So, when I open my mouth to speak, only the truth spills out. Over the years, this has ranged all the way from, “Why are you’re so cute? Stop being so cute!” to a crush thus successfully embarrassing not just myself but also him because he didn’t think he was that cute to “My strength of mind is just an armour. I’m actually very vulnerable,” in a series of deep confessions to people around me who, highly uncomfortable, just wanted me to sleep. Who needs alcohol when a sleep high can drop all barriers?

Right now, I’m experiencing a sleep high. My body is languid, my eyes are droopy, I feel content and the mind seems to have disappeared. I’m watching words appear on the screen but the hands that are typing seem other-worldly. Maybe this is what an out-of-body experience feels like.

But shouldn’t my astral body be floating somewhere near the ceiling for that?

Knowing is different from walking 🙂

In such a state, only what is most important remains. What is so vital that you can’t live a second without it? A sleep high will tell you. In every phase, the answer will naturally change.

Right now, what I want feels so crucial, so elemental that I’d sooner stop breathing than stop longing for it.

 

Here I stand,
at the precipice of all
and I’m amazed to find
that the only thing
on my mind
is You.

Is it happening?
Are you showing me
the
beginnings of surrender?

My every action has
Your name in it.
Your smile in my head
is the ultimate reward
and
our imagined conversations,
the best friend I’ve ever had.

I can’t wait.
Show me more
so that
I may fold myself
into pieces at Your feet
and watch them crumble
into particles of dust and magic
that clear the way for You.

May I be every thorn in Your way
so that I remove myself before
You’ve even thought to
take a step?

May I become the breeze
so that I caress Your
handsome Face
on a warm day, even before
the sweat begins to break?

May I become every morsel of food You eat
so that I may have the fantastic fortune
of nourishing the Body
that looks after us all?

I know not
why I question
when selfishly,
I yearn for it all anyway.

It’s the best answer I’ve ever received for this question 🙂

And now, if I don’t sleep, the sleep high will quickly ascend into a false adrenaline spike, leaving me awake for hours.

It’s all about the balance. And right now, I’m walking a weaving line instead of the straight one 🙂

 

My infinite gratitude to all of you for supporting me through your kind words, love, finances and most importantly, your time. No words will suffice to express what I feel in my heart. So, please, catch the waves of gratitude and love I’m sending you. This is a weaving line that’s legal 🙂

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