I read an incredible post by Swamiji today, where he talks about enjoying life.
What you have inside is infinitely more important than what you do not have outside, what you have within gives you the perspective to see all that is without.
I read that and felt yes, that is what I am going to do. That is what I want to do, turn inwards. Enjoy time with self. Then it is late evening, I am sitting alone on my couch, not knowing what to do. I stopped Seinfeld, last 5 minutes still in the episode and closed my eyes while lying on the couch. What am I doing? I am just wasting time, I started the day so cheerfully and did so many chores. Now that the activities of the day have gone by, office done and people are not around, I have nothing to do. I have been hooked to the series as an escape. I felt so low. All the emotions of loneliness, not being able to spend time with people I want to and not being able to talk to someone started clouding my thoughts. I thought, No I don’t wanna just sit and sulk. I got up after a few minutes..there was a lag between me deciding and getting up. It doesn’t happen usually, I keep lying, watching more episodes, eating more junk, just sleeping comfortably. Ignoring the problems, avoiding confrontations and dealing with the situation. I will have work to do but I will postpone it until there is some push and deadline, something tangible. I am losing my enthusiasm to do things.
I spend time elsewhere, just as it was written in the post. I try contact with myself. I phone a friend, watch something, open my whatsapp numerous times and check profile pictures, or if there are messages. I have put time restrictions on my whatsapp and all notifications are off. I still go back waiting for one message, or something to do. Am I sounding like a depressed person? You would think that, I think that too. But these are some habits which does push me in a bad state, I am well aware of this slouching and lazing attitude that I pick up sometimes. Looking for an excuse or a comfort to not get up or snap from the useless activities. I am not able to strongly pull myself up. It is not good for me.
So I get up from the couch, thinking I will indulge in some activities that I like, do something creative or finish my leftover office work. I feel peckish and warm some milk and put the cereals in. Suddenly my roommate returns after a couple days of staying away, we have been speaking on phone. But right now I did not feel like responding at all. I say hello in a very low and dull voice. I do not ask her about anything that we discussed earlier on phone. I went back to my low self. Here I was sulking alone at home, thinking I don’t have anybody or anything to do and I am just wasting time, not getting things done, not doing any physical activity and just hooked on my phone. Now that I had somebody at home, I again feel sad that I have lost that solitude now, which I wasn’t liking earlier! Argghhh!! I just wanted to go back to being alone and was really fighting my mind to give sad and dull vibes, like playing a victim you know? Other times I just be jolly and interactive, this time I didn’t feel like. I ate my food alone silently and came to my room straight. My roommate didn’t bother me and was cordial, thankfully. It was nothing against her, I was acting opposite to my normal self but this time I do want to give myself the attention and importance and not snap out of this feeling because I have to greet somebody. No. This is my home and space too, I have been alone all along and now I just don’t try to please another person and show them support while I myself need it.
I really want to overcome this and though I passively let my roommate know that I want to be left alone, I would act just as normally the next morning as I always do. Right now I really want think about myself, pull myself up on my own. I am failing at it, people fail to notice too, but even if I stop caring to explain it to them, I don’t want them to come ask me when i am showing it passively. No, not the right time to come poke me. Leave me alone. I know you wouldn’t have a dream of me being sad or lonely, but I make extra efforts to be there for you. You be proactive one time, show it in your words and actions, maybe I won’t feel lonely at all then. I can not blame anybody for my feeling but I don’t want sympathy and forced concern, you know what I mean? I mean when somebody sees you are not doing okay and then they start caring, while they never bothered earlier.
Nevertheless, I put some lofi bollywood songs and sat with my laptop. Finished 2 tasks and started writing this. Maybe I can try this often, it would require a lot of effort to push myself to turn this low feelings into something productive and try to be okay.
Pic: The log is under water, it can not move, can not come out of water on it’s own. It has been trying to keep its head out of water, breathing and just being.