If you knew me a year back you would never believe that I now pray, chant, light a Diya everyday, and recently even made a Sankalpa to do the complete 16 days Sri Suktam Sadhana and actually managed to see it through!
Don’t get me wrong though, I’ve forever been a spiritual seeker, so much so that often times the world and it’s ways has not made much sense to me and I’ve stepped out of the accepted social norms to follow my calling quite often. My favorite companions have always been the Bhagvat Gita, The Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna, The Vedanta, The Upanishads, Tulsidas, Kabir, Rumi, Swamiji’s books, and so many others written by the many awakened beings who’ve walked this planet and so lovingly shared their knowledge with us. I love listening to and singing Kirtans, Bhajans and keeping company of other devotees. But, there is a disconnect. I could never bring myself to feel any emotion or attraction towards a deity and hence found it quite dry to pray or perform any rituals.
Having been a trekker for over 15 years I’ve found myself under numerous instances high up the icy mountains and deep in the thick of the forests; so deeply touched by the grandeur, magnanimity and beauty of this creation that I’ve wept and cried looking around. I’ve looked up hazily at the clear blue starry night sky’s through welled up eyes; choked and drowned in emotion listening to random peoples miseries or finding an injured uncared for dog on the street but the same me could not elicit an iota of emotion standing infront of Mother Divines form at Dakineshwar or at Tirupati Balaji and so many other highly energized places.
Even when I stand infront of Sri Hari I don’t feel the Bhakti that so many of you write about. All I see and smilingly admire is his/her beautiful face, calm and forever understanding, and peacefully close my eyes to soak him/her in. I don’t know what bracket I fall under when it comes to Bhakti Yoga, Gyana or Karma Yoga all I know and am convinced about is that there is a creator and I am his/her child who’s in immense search and pain till I find the expression of that love and light in me. I know that it’s the only true supreme relationship worthy of pursuing and the rest is all alluringly beautiful, yet temporal.
I am grateful for this heart and mind that do not carry a single trace of hate or grudge from the many hardships that I’ve faced in life. I drip in gratitude thinking of everything and everyone who’s been a part of my journey and taught me things that I needed to learn. And above all the grace that allows me to have this seeking which is my primordial purpose. Yet, I do not know what path will take me there. There’s no practice I have, no Sadhana I know and no will power to have a disciplined meditation practice. Even then Swamiji with all his graciousness has accepted this flawed me and given me his name to carry.
So when I first read his long post explaining the Sri Suktam Sadhana and the procedures, I immediately knew that I wanted to do it; simply because He was offering such a precious opportunity to us, and putting in so much of His time and effort for our sake. How could I then let my vrittis come in the way of accepting such grace.
*I don’t want to make this post any longer and bore you further 🙂 hence have decided to continue this in two more parts. The one to follow will be the During phase of my Sri Suktam Sadhana, and finally the one with my Take Away. Thank you for giving me your precious time :)*
Love and Light