Okay, so this post is about our sexual attitudes , understanding of sex, our roles in sex (as an activity), it’s role in evolution etc.

(This would also be one of the preparatory posts for the ‘Truth of Marriages’ series.)

According to our ancient texts, the background of creation of universe is that everything plays out in single consciousness (advait philosophy) and this single consciousness splits into two primordial forces (dvait philosophy) namely matter and energy, or purusha and prakriti, masculine of feminine, polarities of positive and negative, yin and yang, etc.

This polarity also manifests in physical dimensions of living creatures in males and females. Due to this polarity, there’s a natural attraction between the two. And only the union of two makes each complete. Without it, none is complete. This union (yoga) at one level, gives a high, an experience of level above it, hence pushing us to rise above current level! For example, a physical union gives an emotional high, while an emotional union (devotion) gives an energetic high, an energetic union (kriya and shakti practices) gives a loving high ( universal love for all beings), while a loving union gives pure bliss (losing self consciousness and becoming one with all). Which further leads to complete vairagya (non attachment and liberation) , and then tyaag (complete selflessness and non existence and abstraction).

Polarities remain till the love stage (stage 4). Because there must be a subject to love. Till that stage, where both the subject and object remains, the duality or dvait remains. Attraction remains. The games are on. Give and take remains. Healing and hurting remains. Confusion remains and hence the pleasure and frustration remains. Because love comes with it’s shadow of attachment. It’s never separate from it.

Coming back to the topic, since the union of one stage is pushing us to the next one, the objective is to master the experiences of one and move to another. Thence, in Indian culture marriage is so important (albeit a single one) to let us move to the devotion stage. If marriage has not resultantly kindled the fire of devotion inside us, probably we are in a bhool- bhulaiya or too much a burden on our partners or not over sex yet. By becoming devotional, I mean we should start feeling more emotional, soft, empathetic, polite, humble, smiling than before.

We didn’t come back to the topic in last para :P.
Now recall the polarities, a man symbolises purusha (masculinity) while a woman opposite. However we all have degrees of purusha and prakriti in ourselves (though quantum is different). However as soon as a man and a woman interact, nature wants them to behave in such a way that each should feel comparatively more complete following the union. We practice it till the moment we get rooted in next stage.

But within the journey, there starts a conflict of achieving respective individual completeness out of the act of union. Though the union which is only temporary, moving us otowards an unknown objective to finally get separate after each one achieving respective completeness and finally graduating from the physicality of relationships afterwards (most of the time this ‘afterwards’ is ‘afterlife’ :D).

However, it rarely ends in a way that both become complete and live (or move on) happily ever after. Hence the biggest objective of a relationship or marriage is to be committed till both are complete (satisfied and thoroughly done with the physical union stage to move on to devotion stage, which may not be a common journey). In this way, a marriage or any relationship is only to free oneself from one’s ‘untrue self’ – desires of physical quest – kama. That’s why in varnashram system, grihasth ashram is to complete the purusharth of ‘kama’ specifically. But unfortunately in our quest of getting free from our false selves, we get imprisoned by our better selves or halves (pun intended).

Marriage or relationship is not for any additional modern jazzy tale or intellectual proposition or quest of fulfilling social objectives. These may be side benefits of the setup, but primarily it’s to win over our demons of physical desires in a larger spiritual or evolutionary quest. Remember it’s just the level 2 of evolution. The frustration starts when one has become complete (is done/ bored) too early and doesn’t know what’s next level or the other person isn’t complete yet. 

Ideal conjugal behaviours (inspired from purusha and prakriti) are that that every man is (should) be a giver (according to his natural disposition, not what he might want) in a relationship while every woman is a natural taker. While a man fills the physical void of a woman, a woman fills the emotional void of a man, providing him with an environment to exist. It might seem counterintuitive that though man shouldn’t never move away (which he would) while a woman shouldn’t ever constraint (which she would). The key is to move away from our natural behaviours and dispositions, mindfully.

Explicitly speaking, it’s not a right of a man (of true masculine) to demand for ‘sex’ as he’s a giver, he can’t demand for it. Any such attitude is a corruption of mental (intellectual faculties) and hence a vikaara at subconscious level. In our puranic stories, rishis only got engaged in conjugal activities on request of their wives (written as that they aspired for a child) not other way round. Ideally, he may long for existence, a dwelling place, for survival, for companionship or emotional bond but not for sex compulsively. While for a woman it’s a very deep physical need to feel complete manifesting in her body every month that supports her role in procreation as well. She’s made that way. There’s no common benchmark here. For a man, it’s natural to be aloof, scattered, carefree,  because of his comparatively* higher (non-material) level of consciousness, while natural for a woman to propagate, to nourish, to flourish, and create a beautiful (material) world to exist. In no way I am implying that these are ‘ought to’ behaviours, this is just our reality, the way we are made up.

A man, however if can’t remain conscious of his libido, would end up in a Raavan like creature, however if a woman if gives up choice of creation and propagation for non-material pursuits, there’s no issue (specially in such a large population). But however if such refusal comes for just for pleasure seeking, it further creates environment for more Raavans in the society.

I feel it’s already a long post and I have touched upon all four objectives of this post stated at the start.

P.S. – These are my personal opinions, not to offend anyone. Can be considered as fiction as well, although it will suck at that 🤣.

Comments are welcome ! Let’s spice it up ,😅.

All in good faith. 🙏

Jai Shri Hari

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