It’s the tragedy itself. As the solution of question lies in the question itself, only if you have the patience to stay with the question without hurrying for the solution.
Having the courage to stay and contemplate the problems, opens up that space in us which is full of positivity to make us rise up as a better human being.
Life is not for the cowards neither for the ones who take it way too seriously. Only the dead are serious. I didn’t know this when I was 19. All I wanted was to trade my life with someone to escape the pain of being alone.
When I was born, my mother became an obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) patient due to lack of post-delivery care. She used to cry for hours because of the fear that something bad will happen. She washed her hands at least 50 times a day. She was also depressed.
My father tried to get her on antidepressants but with no help to look after the household, she had to drop the medicines. My parents used to fight a lot because of my mother’s illness. As a child it didn’t affect me. I used to play as anybody would play.
She took care of me and my brother as much as it was possible in her situation. Life went on, and her illness kept increasing day by day to the extent that she stopped going outside the home.
My impression of life had been of abuse, misery, neglect, and zero social contact. I focused all my energies in the studies and was always a topper in the class.
I was full of conflict, fear, insecurities, self-critical thoughts and always in need of love, acceptance and approval of others. I didn’t know how to express myself at all.
During all these years, I had strong desire to know God to end all my misery. All this misery had pushed me towards God that in a month’s time, when I focused on my breath, all of my energies started going upwards from spine to third eye chakra and I felt like a thousand suns have risen together inside me. It was beautiful but my mind was not ready neither was my body.
After sometime, all this stopped and I went into deep depression with a feeling of coldness at my third eye chakra. I would cry inconsolably. Nobody knew what to do. Without any guru it was a difficult period for me.
But I never gave up on myself. I went from one door to another to get myself healed, but nobody was of any help. Years went by, I started realising that I needed to love myself to heal myself. I sat with myself and by divine grace of mother nature, I was healed and I am being loved by mother nature since then.
There is lot to improve and grow up. But now I am calm because I know where the solution of all problems lies.
I deeply thank my parents who have been helping me and accepted me all these years inspite of my anger, hatred and immature behaviour towards them even when they themselves were going through a lot.