… I was lost once more, had fallen off the wagon. The Kajal and pretty earrings were cast aside – https://os.me/short-stories/dil-se/
The body is still, sunk cozily into the cushions of a soft couch. The eyes have a far away expression. On the outside, I am a picture of relaxed serenity and inwards the mind is raging, foaming with thoughts like a waterfall in the monsoons; talking up a storm! By now my head was pounding at this barrage of disparaging words directed at myself, the inner world had shriveled under the onslaught of the unrelenting heat of the censuring thoughts. I am exhausted beyond all measure. My snide thoughts have punched, pummeled, wrestled and jousted with me and I have lost every round. The more I resist the unsavoury thoughts the more overpowering they become. New thoughts keep popping up like Raktabeeja – the demon whose every drop of spilled blood gave birth to a new demon. Tears of helplessness roll down my face and I break down in a paroxysm of weeping. Knocking at the door of the only sanctuary I know, “ Gurudev, Ma! Help me please! I don’t know anything anymore.”
The storm of weeping slowly subsided. I observed myself with crystal clear objectivity and felt an overwhelming compassion for this lost being. Wasn’t there any way to extricate myself from this pitiable condition? This was the last straw, the camel’s back was broken. I deserved PEACE above all else. I resolved that I won’t be a marionette to the vagaries of a disapproving thought process. I was determined to change the self-talk.
Help came in the form of the MIND AND DIVINE series on Jagannatha Pahimam, a channel on YouTube by Anu Om. https://youtu.be/G4PL55he4Gg . My sadhana of self love had begun! I had taken the powerful first step to honour the divine in me. Choosing kind words and thoughts over the toxic chatter of my monkey mind, I decided to go within once and for all, away and out of reach of the sticky fingers of self doubt and self judgement. No more band aids for a wound that required sutures. The clock was ticking, it was now or never.
As I listened to Anu’s loving voice, my heart space which was tight and sore, gently loosened up, unfurled and stretched luxuriously. I started the five part series and listened to it over a period of a month, taking breaks to practise and assimilate the wisdom. The simple yet extremely powerful technique of grounding myself several times a day started my journey into inner healing. Instead of engaging with them, I became an observer of my thoughts. Sometimes I liked what I saw and sometimes I was repulsed. Every time I wanted to turn my face away in shame or guilt I dug my heels in and faced the unsavoury thoughts resolutely. Total acceptance was the mantra I repeated. It was time to shine the light of awareness and clean out the dingy and decrepit corners thoroughly…Slowly but surely I unlocked my ever tranquil inner core-my sweet, tender spiritual heart -with the key of my awareness.
I visit this tijori (safe deposit vault) many times a day to connect with my nidhi (wealth). My sadhana involves appreciating, admiring and accepting myself unconditionally. When you are fiercely unabashedly you, you subtly allow people to be their authentic selves too.
The sadhana isn’t complete yet. The road is long, but my soul tribe is there to help and support. My Master’s loving presence is the wind beneath my wings. I still have frequent lapses where I castigate and reproach myself. There are times when I am extremely hard and unforgiving, totally humiliated by the mind’s viciousness. But I have touched the mother lode inside and tasted light. The lingering fresh taste of self love refuses to leave my tongue. Yeh dil maange more and more and then some! (This heart desires more and more and then some!)
Self love served in the tall clear glass of kindness is a heady intoxicating concoction. Serve chilled with a sprig of self respect, a dash of compassion and a squeeze of gentleness.
PS. I will share my takeaways from this ongoing sadhana in my next few posts.
Much gratitude and love to my beloved soul sister, Mansi Om, who first shared the link with me!