Upon reading Swamiji’s post on the side effects of meditation, I once again had to confront the fact that I am nowhere close to being where I would like to be. Strangely enough, that statement appears to be a spiritual oxymoron (for lack of a better phrase) since the very act of wanting to be somewhere I am not, seems to go against the grain of all that I am seeking. But the fact is that as a a meditator, albeit a newly minted one, I often find myself feeling just the opposite of what I am supposed to feel. And that is where the conundrum lies.

I am often confused and the more I think (not something I can stop at will, yet!!) the more confused I get:

  • Giving money to the beggar on the street – am I being kind or being foolish (given what we read and hear about the begging mafia)?
  • When I find myself filled with anger and rebel against offering prayers the way my mother in law would like – am I being true to myself or being stupid and bull headed?
  • When I don’t seem to feel the pain of others like an elderly’s health issue or some stranger whose family member passed away – am I being insensitive or detached?
  • When I find an act of kindness to do so that I can tick it off in the black lotus app – am I really being kind or just goal oriented?
  • Am I kind when I give in to the demands of others at the cost of my happiness or am I being a wimp?
  • Is it the thought behind the act that is important or the act itself?
  • How do you know when to stand up for yourself and when it is kind to give in?

Sometimes I wonder if there really are any answers or if the only answers are the ones we make believe.

Perhaps, one day I will know. Until then…

Image courtesy: Photo by Emily Morter on Unsplash